So You're Waiting For PCS Orders....

  

 If you want to learn a lot about accepting the things you cannot change...marry someone in the military.

   I don't want this to seem like waiting to find out where in the world you are going next can feel like a thousand years, but sometimes it does. In a world where Uber can deliver your food (but not where you're stationed obviously) and Amazon can overnight bed sheets and cereal to you if need be, we've become accustomed to convenience. We expect results and answers faster than ever before and if that doesn't happen....we panic.

   I used to make the excuse that I grew up in the New York Metropolitan area where everyone moved a thousand miles a second. If you were five minutes early you were late and I have definitely nearly mowed people down trying to make a train. However, I now realize my excuses are useless and there is no way everyone I grew up with is running around like their hair is on fire. 

  We have currently been waiting for my husband's orders to our next post since the end of July. We are scheduled to leave at the end of October....and there is no timeline in place. Would I call this a lack of communication and organization among those in charge? I mean sure, I could probably call them many things but will it change the outcome? Not one bit.

   Not only will it make me look like a fool to continue whining and complaining but, to put it bluntly, the Army does not care what I think at all. I am a dependent, I am not a necessary component of the mission. Do I support my husband? Yes. But can a shoot a howitzer if the enemy is coming near while in Afghanistan? No...also I'd be terrified. It doesn't matter where I want to be, it matters where they need my husband. 

   Instead of looking at how other people are causing these problems in my life, I need to realize that the ONLY thing I can control is how I react. In a way, I am relinquishing the burden of staying up at night wondering the ifs and whens of what will happen next for us. There are no guarantees that I will know his orders tomorrow, next week or even next month. We have precious time left where we currently are and there is so much we still have left to see and do. I don't want to remember my final fleeting moments here being sad, scared and anxious. 

   My power and control will have nothing to do with where we go next or when we find out. I can make a conscious decision to allow myself to acknowledge what I'm feeling, but not let it control me. We will all eventually leave where we are now and odds are will not return. We cannot allow the stress of this life around us to hinder our joy and stop us from enjoying where we are. 

   The orders will come and with it the stress of moving again. But it will happen and until then, enjoy what time you do have left.

Internet Safety for Military Spouses

  It seems like something we are beat over the head with in the digital age, watch what you do online.

Usually we say it to our children, but very rarely do we check ourselves when we are on the internet. 

Staying safe on the internet in important for everyone but it is especially important for those associated with the military. Some of the reasons may be obvious but others may not be so obvious. 

The internet is a great place to meet spouses and learn vital information but it is a place to proceed with caution especially with the kind of information you share about your self and your spouse.

The odds of some terror group following your every move on the internet specifically because you are military spouse is not very likely. It is important to realize that no matter how secure you think you are or how well you know who you are talking to, you can still put yourself and your family at risk.

Be Cautious of Those You Interact With Online

  Military spouse support groups on Facebook, Instagram, tumblr, etc. are becoming increasingly popular in recent years. It is a way to connect with other spouses and get people's experience about everything from PCSing to recipes. 

  More than once I have seen accounts made of fake people to gain access to these groups. They either pretend they are a military spouse or just screenshot them, and share them with Facebook pages like "Dear Dependa" or "Overly Sensitive Military Spouse."

  While these groups have many positives and most of these people are who they claim to be, not everyone is.

Pictures Reveal More Than You Think

  We all love to take pictures with our significant other. Many if not all of us have taken pictures with our significant other in uniform. But just think of all the information that is on that uniform.

  

Just to name a few: 

1. Rank
2. Last Name
3. Post
4. MOS

   All of these things can really narrow down where your SO works and what they do. 

  I have also seen spouses who are super excited about their new home or apartment, so they take a picture of the house. Right there people can figure out a house number and what the house looks like. If you are anything like me you don't want random people knowing where you live. 

  If you truly need to show off your new place, maybe just show off smaller details like the front door (with the house or apartment number blurred out) or a picture of your house keys. It's artsy and doesn't let creeps know where you sleep at night.

OPSEC "Operational Security"

  When your spouse is deployed or preparing to deploy, it is important to remember that what you post about your spouse can be sensitive information. I have seen spouses post dates when their spouse is set to deploy. 

In serious cases, these posts have postponed deployment dates since they are considered sensitive information. 

MarineParents.com has a great article that includes examples of what is considered "Critical [or Sensitive] Information"

1. "Detailed information about the mission of assigned units.
2. Details concerning locations and times of unit deployments.
3. Personnel transactions that occur in large numbers (e.g., pay information, power of attorney, wills or deployment information).
4. References to trend in unit morale or personnel problems.
5. Details concerning security procedures."

In special situations, it is also important to realize that your spouse's MOS may be more sensitive than others (ex. Military Intelligence, Special Forces etc.) . It is important to not over share about what they are doing. 

What You Post Can Affect Your Spouse's Job

  I have seen people vent about their spouse's superior and have that end up getting back to their spouse's higher ups. 

  I have also seen spouses complain about a spouse's coworker with in a military support Facebook group and have the coworker's spouse be in the same group.

 Needless to say their spouse was spoken to by their superiors about the posts. Even though they did not write them at all 

  The rule of thumb is this....it is their job not your's and your opinion is not needed. That may be blunt but it is 100% true.

In Conclusion

Social Media is a tricky thing. We want to share important events or even our day to day lives. It is important to remember that it is our job to keep our spouses and ourselves safe both during deployment and while they are home.

What About My Life Goals?

I didn't think I was going to get married until well into my thirties. I had a plan and that plan was to work for a production company in NYC and live with my girlfriends. 

I am now working on post and living in Colorado, which doesn't exactly have a big film and television scene. 

I have selfishly struggled with this more than I would like to admit. One of my flaws in life is that I am so used to being independent it can come off as self serving. Some women desire to become a homemaker from early on and there is NOTHING wrong with that but it was not for me. 

               

Life changes. People change. With changes in life comes changes in goals. 

This does not meant that the goals you want cannot be achieved regardless of where you move. The key is to be FLEXIBLE with those goals. 

If you told me that my goal would be to learn spanish I would laugh in your face. The great thing about this goal, is that I can learn a language no matter where we move next. Now, I have made it a long-term goal and one I can bring with me no matter where I move.

HOWEVER, some people find their passion and make the decision to live away from their spouse to pursue it. I know plenty of spouses who live on the opposite side of the country doing what they love. They are career driven and independent but still love and support their spouses just the same. 

Just like relationships, goals are unique. If your goal is to work for your dream company in Florida while your spouse is stationed in Washington, then that is your decision to make with your spouse. If you make the decision to give up some goals to be with your spouse then it is something you are entitled to.

This lifestyle can make goal setting difficult....but you NEED goals. It gives this crazy life purpose and it doesn't matter how big or small they are. They could be goals for work, health, relationship, spiritual growth WHATEVER.

Say it with me, "Your goals matter as much as your spouse's goals matter."

"I Hate Military Life" Moments and Why They're Okay

 

 

   You just found out you are PCSing the the worst post imaginable.

   You're pregnant and your spouse will be missing the birth....for the second time.

   The military has an uncanny way of knowing when you have an idea of what should happen....then switching it up on you. Most of the time, rolling with what is thrown at you is the best way to handle the bumps in military life.

    But sometimes you wish the military was an actual person.....so you could scream at them....loudly.

    Being involved in the military lifestyle means being involved in life where the only constant is change. When he left for his first deployment, I thought that it was my duty to be the calm in the storms that he may experience while he was in Afghanistan. I was pretty good about it for a few months until I hit a wall.

   "I HATE THIS!" I yelled while my Mom calmly listened, "THEY SAID HE WASN'T GOING TO DEPLOY AND NOW HE IS AND I'M MAD AND I HAVE NO CONTROL AND NO ONE CARES."

  Did my rant solve anything? Nope. Not one bit. In fact the guilt I felt for being mad at him protecting our country made me feel even worse.

What kind of a person was I? I knew this could happen.

Deploying to conflict zones is what the military does and I was well aware of this. There are certain things that you are well aware of getting involved with someone in the military. Most of the time it is fruitless to complain and never solves any problems. The mission is not meant to make you happy it is meant to defend the United States.

But none of us are perfect.

We have our weak moments and our selfish moments when we just want our spouses home with us. You are allowed to have thoughts of "If only they weren't in the military..." because you are a human. Being strong all the time is not possible and sometimes letting out that negative energy (in an appropriate way) can help you move forward.

"Tough times don't last, tough people do."

.....also wine helps
 



 

Don't Forget About Your Friends Back Home

    One of the hardest parts of moving to the other side of the country or the world is leaving those you love behind. When we first started dating, I noticed a very interesting trend on social media. Many of the other military spouses complained online about how their friends didn't understand their "situation" and how they needed friends who understood the "lifestyle."

      

    It is important to have friends in the military world. You need to have someone who understands the struggles of being with someone in the military. Someone who you can vent to and who understands what it is like to have the one you love miss birthdays, holidays, etc. 

   But don't forget about the friends you left back home.

   The biggest mistake I made when I first moved away was that I didn't make a consistent effort with my friends. Sure, I would talk to them but not consistently or as often as I should've. They were the girls who pulled me out of my room during his deployment to enjoy my senior year. They were the girls that would go on random hikes with me where we had no idea where we were going. 

   Friendships like the ones that I have are invaluable. The military world might be foreign to them but who cares! I need my travel buddies, drinking teammates, bridesmaids, etc. more now that I have moved away than ever before. 

   Life happens. People get busy and we don't always keep in touch like we should. Sometimes I notice people become more intentional with not keeping up with friends once they're away. I am so happy to have the friends that I do and I will do anything to have them for many years to come no matter the miles between us.

Call your girlfriends.