Why Making Friends with Military Spouses is So Difficult

I was requested by fellow military spouse Deanna to write this post.

If you are anything like Deanna and myself, you might have noticed something about making friends in military life....it can be really hard.

I've thought about this a lot. I've seen many spouses talk about how hard it is to make authentic friendships with other spouses. Personally, I've noticed that I feel this weird sense of apprehension about making close friends. Everything felt so temporary.

Was this an incredibly dumb way to view friendships? Yes.

I honestly thought something was wrong with me when I first moved in with my husband. I spent my college years with some amazing friends and I didn't feel like I struggled when it came to fostering authentic relationships. I spent my summers throughout high school and college with friends that I still have today.

Yet here I was, struggling to connect with people.

No, it is not the military's job to figure out a spouse's friendships....obviously. But man, I felt lonely as anything for a few months.

I was born, raised, and went to school within the same 150 miles radius. To say I lived in a bubble was an understatement. I hung out with people who thought like me, looked like me, believed in the same things I did, etc. This wasn't a bad thing necessarily, but it did not set me up for success when I moved across the country.

Let's face it, we like to have friends that are similar to us. When you are moved from that safe haven you grew up in and placed with people from all over the country and with all different beliefs...things can get interesting.

The military is a very interesting microcosm of society. You take people from all over the world, then stick them at some base in the middle of nowhere and hope they can work together as a team. Then you add their families into the mix, and hope that they can just figure this all out. Sounds easy enough right?

I wanted to make friends who were just like me. Why? Because it was safe.

If they weren't like me, I wanted them to be that perfect military spouse friend.

The one who I can call when my husband was gone.

The one who understands what it is like to be away from family.

The one who I can call for everything.

The one that did not exist.

We can't expect people to be the perfect friend when are all imperfect people. We can't just sit and wait for that bff to show up in our lives and make our new home perfect. We have to be willing to branch out. We have to be willing to be friends with people who may be different from us in nearly every way.

This does not mean that you have to lose who you are as a person to gain your group.What I had to do was stop being prideful, and start genuinely forming close bonds with people who are not like me.I have been lucky enough to meet incredible people on this journey.

I have made friends who have honestly saved my sanity at times.

The military is like a train station, people are always coming and going. Many of my friends are now scattered all over the world. Think of how much modern technology can help us continue to grow these friendships. Not to mention all the fun places you can travel to!

My biggest piece of advice is to be open. This doesn't mean you have to hang out with people are truly not a good friend to have, this means to give people a chance. Crummy people are everywhere, but so are genuinely nice people. Don't try to fit people into this rigid set of expectations in order to be your friend.

Got a suggestion for a blog post??? Leave a comment!

The Art of Building Friendships in Military Life

     I like to think I'm decent at making friends. I mean, I've managed to keep strong friendships for at least 15 years or more. I found a great group in college and still keep in touch and see them years later. It wasn't until post grad life and when I moved over 2,000 miles away from home that I somehow completely forgot how I made all those friends in the past.

    Adult life is not exactly one giant party. My bank account reminds me of that every time I see something online that I want. On top of figuring out how to be a full fledged contributing member to society...you need friends to help you through. Yes, I'm married and love hanging out with my husband but I've always had close friends to rely on as well.

     Having a spouse in the military can sometimes make it difficult to make friends. More than once, I have made a friend who then PCSd shortly thereafter. It stinks. You sometimes feel obligated to make friends with the first spouse or service member that comes along even if you aren't 100% sure you want to hang out with them in the first place. Through trial and error, I have been very lucky to meet some great people in the military community who I am very proud to call friends.

     The best way I have found to find a great group of friends is by following these four steps....


  Be Open
     I like to think that I am outgoing enough but I definitely have tendencies to be very guarded when I first meet people. I don't like to let people in right away. I soon realized that I was coming off as dismissive which was hindering me from meeting others. Once I stepped out of my shell I met a lot of great people and began to form real friendships.
    You cannot expect ANYONE to reach out to you just because. People appreciate when others make an effort and will often reciprocate. The first step is ALWAYS the hardest when it comes to meeting others.

  Be Honest with Yourself
     You don't need to befriend everyone you meet just because you need someone to hang out with. I have usually kept my friend groups smaller just because I preferred it that way. If you love having a huge group of friends then go for it! You know when a friendship feels genuine and when it doesn't. There are so many great people at every post that it is not worth spending your time on a friendship that is going nowhere.

  Be Adventurous
     The great thing about military life is you get to meet people from all over the United States and the world. This is a great opportunity to learn and experience new things. We went out square dancing one night with a group of friends at our previous duty station and had a blast. Being from the Northeast, we don't really square dance that much.
       I learned that trying new things with others was a great way to build bonds and to find common interests. Trying new things that might scare you (like dancing in public) can be a lot of fun and a great memory to have even after you all have moved away from one another.

Get Involved
                                        You thought I was gonna say join an FRG next huh?

 I mean you can do that, but I recommend looking into things a little more niche as well. Love fitness? Join the on post gym and take some classes. Want to strengthen your faith? Look into joining many faith groups in and around posts such as Protestant Women of the Chapel or Catholic Women of the Chapel. Have a desire to volunteer? Head over to Army Community Service and sign up!
       I understand that we have jobs, kids, and tons of other things to do. However, I have found that I was able to meet some great people while doing what I enjoy.

   No one is going to understand military life better than those whose spouses serve as well. It can make all the difference in your time with the military if you have a great group of friends with by your side. You will most likely move away from one another at one point which the unfortunate side of military life. If you can make though an LDR relationship, I'm gonna bet you will have these friends despite the distance for years to come.

     

Stop Comparing Yourself To Other Spouses

   You know those Olympic gymnastics judges you see every four years? The ones that never smile and seemingly enjoy breaking the hearts of young Romanian girls because their toes weren't pointed during their vault routine? That is me...judging myself. 

I am especially hard on myself when I compare myself to other spouses. 

Most of us are our own toughest critic. The voice in our head is sometimes louder than those around us. I felt this voice to be amplified when I first married my husband. It wasn't my husband making me feel this way at all but I felt an immediate pressure to be THE BEST WIFE EVER.

I met a woman when we first moved to Colorado who was my definition of perfect. Her house was lovely, her kids were lovely, she was beautiful, her husband was an amazing officer, and her life looked perfect from the outside! 

 I hate to admit jealousy but I was absolutely jealous of her.

 Military spouses especially are at times guilty of comparing themselves to one another. Why else would there be tons of Instagram accounts showing perfectly manicured photos of wives in dresses and husbands in uniform looking like Ken and Barbie? 

Is it that society still thinks that we are all housewives waiting by the window for our husbands to return home? Maybe it is the show Army Wives :gag: that shows perfect spouses that we should aspire to that makes us self conscious? Do we do this to ourselves? Do we think that we have to act a certain way or aspire to be a certain way to be a perfect spouse? 

Either way it is EXHAUSTING to try to be the perfect wife. This is not Mayberry. We cannot be flawless and we are not supposed to be. I can smile all I want at my husband's promotion ceremony but I don't necessarily have to be happy to be up at 5:30 am to make sure I make it on time.

The world is an ever-changing place. It is the most volatile we have seen it in years. As a Military spouse this can be frightening time with the possibly of an uptick in deployments in the Middle East, Eastern Europe and beyond. Do we really have the time to worry about whether or not we measure up to one another? I highly doubt it. 

The cliche "comparison is the thief of joy," could not apply more to this post. I felt inadequate instead of empowered by another strong woman, which is how I should have felt from the start. Our best resource for getting through the craziness the military can through at our relationships is one another. 

I am not trying to make this sound like a modern day version of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants or anything like that. But we can learn so much from one another and gain knowledge from those who have been married for five, ten or even twenty years. We cannot do that if we are too worried about how we are perceived to others. 

We are not cookie cutter spouses. We have our strengths, weaknesses and fears that sometimes keep us up at night. If we could put our own thoughts of being inadequate aside...we might come out stronger and simply better equipped to face whatever the military throws at our relationships.

Finding Your Friends at Every Duty Station

   A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog post "Don't Forget About Your Friends Back Home," and got a pretty big response from it. 

    

     I went hiking and out to dinner this past weekend with some friends I have met while we have been out in Colorado. The fact that I have found a solid group while I am out here is something I did not think was possible. 

   I went from living in the same town for 20 years to college and back home again. Any friend I had growing up I had known for a long time and it seemed easy to make my friends in college. 

   Another thing was I believed the stereotypes of military spouses that I saw on the internet. 

   I'm embarrassed to admit that I thought what random people posted on the internet was true. Are there people I've met that fit those certain stereotypes? YES. I have also had the opportunity to meet some incredible spouses who make military life worthwhile.

O most recent hike.

Get Involved

   When I first moved out to our current duty station I did not make any effort to volunteer, join the FRG etc. I relied on Brandon to introduce me to other people's wives. I did meet some great people that way but I still felt lonely. 

   When I started showing up to unit events, volunteering on post, and just getting involved, I was able to meet so many great friends.

Learn From Each Other

  All of my friends who are military spouses are experiencing the military a little bit differently. I love that I am able to talk to someone who "gets it" and that I am also able to provide advice when needed. I also have learned more about the different parts of the country where all my friends are from.

Keep In Touch

   I am admittedly not an all star when it comes to keeping in touch. Eventually, you all will move to your spouse's next duty station or leave military life altogether. While its sad to leave the friends you've made in military life, just think of all the places you get to visit now! 

You Don't Need To Be Friends With Everyone

   You will meet some great friends, maybe not right away but it will happen. For example, I see so many spouses complain that they show up to FRG meetings and don't make any friends. FRG meetings are not meant to be speed dating for friends, although you can meet some great friends there. The best relationships are ones that aren't forced. 

  The opportunities to make lifelong friends through your journey with military life are endless. The military community is a tiny one in comparison to the rest of the country, but it is a cross section of the United States with all different people from all different backgrounds.

  Military life can be complicated, scary, unpredictable, amazing, and pretty much ever emotion alive. It is worthwhile to have some friends to share and relate in this journey.

   

   

Don't Forget About Your Friends Back Home

    One of the hardest parts of moving to the other side of the country or the world is leaving those you love behind. When we first started dating, I noticed a very interesting trend on social media. Many of the other military spouses complained online about how their friends didn't understand their "situation" and how they needed friends who understood the "lifestyle."

      

    It is important to have friends in the military world. You need to have someone who understands the struggles of being with someone in the military. Someone who you can vent to and who understands what it is like to have the one you love miss birthdays, holidays, etc. 

   But don't forget about the friends you left back home.

   The biggest mistake I made when I first moved away was that I didn't make a consistent effort with my friends. Sure, I would talk to them but not consistently or as often as I should've. They were the girls who pulled me out of my room during his deployment to enjoy my senior year. They were the girls that would go on random hikes with me where we had no idea where we were going. 

   Friendships like the ones that I have are invaluable. The military world might be foreign to them but who cares! I need my travel buddies, drinking teammates, bridesmaids, etc. more now that I have moved away than ever before. 

   Life happens. People get busy and we don't always keep in touch like we should. Sometimes I notice people become more intentional with not keeping up with friends once they're away. I am so happy to have the friends that I do and I will do anything to have them for many years to come no matter the miles between us.

Call your girlfriends.