Are Military Spouses Voting In Midterm Elections?

It is the most wonderful time of the year. Attack ads are on your screen and political yard signs are lining the front yards and along the highways. On November 6th, Americans are set to go to the polls or have already sent in their absentee ballot.

After sending in my absentee ballot, I wondered how many spouses decide to vote in these local and state elections? If military families move so often, do they still feel inclined to vote in the midterm elections?

Military families have a unique view of government and elections. They are less likely to have put roots down in a place but their spouses' job is directly affected by the outcomes of these elections. There are frequent moves, state-specific rules on absentee ballots, registration deadlines, and so much more than can hinder a military member and their spouse from voting.

With those obstacles in mind, I wondered how many spouses go to the polls or mail in an absentee ballot?

I created a survey, shared it on military spouse Facebook groups, and received 126 anonymous responses.

Here are some key findings from that survey:

87% of spouses surveyed are registered to vote

73% of spouses surveyed plan to vote in the 2018 midterm election

On a scale of 1-10 spouses rated the importance of voting in midterms an average of 8  

I asked "Do you think your vote matters as a military spouse, why or why not?

Many people responded along the lines of, "My voice matters no matter what my spouse does."

Amen to that.

However, I also heard from those who were not voting in the election felt that their vote did not matter. They especially felt this way if they were voting using an absentee ballot.

According to TIME Magazine, over 319,000 ballots were rejected during the 2016 presidential election. While the reasons varied, many felt that the paperwork made it easy to make an error. Some states will also not notify people of these errors in time for them to redo the ballot. Thus, those who tried to do their civic duty from afar were simply out of luck.

The second most common response I found was, "I don't think I'm informed enough on local issues to vote. I'm only here for a short amount of time."

I used to think this way. I didn't feel that my vote mattered at all.

In recent years, many Americans have chosen to vote in presidential elections and not vote in state and local elections. According to FairVote.org, the United States has a lower voter turnout than most democratic countries. Only about 40% of those eligible to vote in state and local elections do so.

We often forget that the members of Congress are from all different states. Important laws can be passed or rejected by just a few votes from senators you may have never heard of. In my opinion, Congress many more decisions that directly affect my life than the president does.

Just because you haven't lived in an area for "long enough," does not make your vote any less valid. If anything, looking at local politics with fresh eyes and a different perspective should be welcomed.

So what happens if you are a military spouse who wants to vote, but don't know where to start?


Military members and their families are encouraged to take advantage of FVAP (Federal Voting Assistance Program). The common misconception is that it is only open to the military member. FVAP provides voting guidance and resources on a state by state basis to service members, their families and US citizens living overseas.

They can help you attain an absentee ballot, request a backup ballot, find the installation voting office near you and much much more! Yes, they do help those that are stationed internationally.

What is the biggest takeaway I have from this survey? That spouses view voting as their duty as an American citizen, not necessarily as a military spouse. Their voices matter. Their opinions matter. Just as much as anyone who goes the ballots on November 6th.

The #1 Thing Not To Do Before Homecoming

The distance is FINALLY coming to an end! You are getting your spouse back after what felt like a lifetime apart.

You know so many people have been asking about when your spouse is coming home.

You decided to let everyone know the date and time they are coming home on Facebook.

Someone saw that you posted the homecoming date, now EVERYONE now has to wait longer to see their spouse. Why? Because you violated OPSEC. Not only do you have to wait to see your spouse, but you just made a lot of people VERY unhappy.

What is OPSEC?
Operational Security is protecting information that could be taken by our adversaries and used to harm our service members. This can include troop movements, deployment dates, homecoming dates, etc.


Why would making a post on my own social media matter?
I once read that a great way to think about OPSEC is like a puzzle. Your post is just a piece of that puzzle but it is an important one. If someone is able to piece together the homecoming dates they are able to piece together massive troop movements which are not something you want enemies to know.

Just because it is on your personal social media does not make it private.

You are using a company's platform, that platform could be hacked at any time. You have no idea who could be getting a hold of that information.

Why would any enemy be interested in what I have to say?
The odds of someone actively looking at your own social media account are slim. However, why would you want to open yourself up to that possibility? You have no idea who is able to look at your information.

According to the OPSEC guide published by the United States Navy, "Terrorist groups have used information gained from the Internet to target family members of deployed military personnel. In countries throughout the Middle East and southern Asia, terrorists have successfully kidnapped and assassinated numerous westerners in an attempt to influence U.S. foreign policy."

While this isn't the norm, this is something you need to be aware of when it comes to the safety and security of your loved ones.

But people are bugging me about when the date is!
What I usually do is give them a time frame. I will say "Oh at some point this winter." or "We are hoping sometime in the next few months."

I will talk about dates and time frames in person to family or a friend, but I do not give out information online ever!

At the end of the day, your spouse's safety is what is most important. Keeping important information safe is what is going to guarantee a seamless homecoming.

Interested in learning more? Check out these posts!

5 Commandments of OPSEC

5 Commandments of PERSEC

6 Lies You've Been Told About Being A Military Girlfriend

When I first started dating my husband you would not believe the stories I thought were true. I didn't know any better and chose to believe what others told me.

While this was very dumb of me at the time, I've learned quite a bit over the years. I hope after reading this post you will not make the same mistakes I did!

1. "You can visit your boyfriend/girlfriend anytime you would like."
You may have paid for a flight a month in advance to go visit, but the military can still say no. Believe me, it is one of the most annoying things about the military.

Just because you purchased a plane ticket does not mean they will make exceptions. Their pass can be taken away at any time.

You have to have a plan B, C, and D.

2. You cannot be involved in the FRG (Family Readiness Groups).
I already know that people will disagree with me on this. Oh well.

I HATE that people assume that military girlfriends cannot be involved in FRGs. I have felt the sting of not being included on email lists when my husband deployed to Afghanistan.

I've seen FRGs run by military girlfriends before. Please please please do not afraid to ask to be added to the FRG roster. You might not be in the area with your bf/gf.


3. There is a competition.
You know who cares what rank your spouse is? No one. It isn't your rank.

Yes, it is hard that your spouse is gone for nine months but other people are allowed to miss their spouse. Just focus on keeping your relationship healthy and strong. Do not worry or be concerned with what others are doing.

4. All military spouses are terrible.
Haven't been told that all military spouses are dependas yet? Wait for it. It will happen.

I'm not entirely sure who in their right mind would marry someone in the military for the benefits. I have yet to meet someone who has but apparently, that is the stereotype.

I have met some amazing military spouses and I have met some that are not worth my time. It is the same as the civilian world.

5. All the women your spouse works will be all over them.

YES I WENT THERE.


I have seen this statement made so many times I need to address it. Not every woman your spouse works with will want to date them! This is the most annoying stereotype of women in the military.

If you take a step back, you will actually find that there are many women serving who are amazing people. I've been lucky enough to make friends with the women who worked with my husband. Why would you miss out on friendships because of your own biases?

6. Since you're just a girlfriend, your relationship doesn't matter.
Your relationship is absolutely important! You have no idea how much your love and support matters!

Every single married couple has been in the same place you were. You are being very brave to deal with the distance, deployments and overall craziness.

Do not ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

10 Things I Wish I Knew When I Didn't Move Home For Deployment

When deployment comes around, you are presented with two options. Do you stay where you are stationed or do you go home?

I can't tell you what the best decision is. If I lived at a certain post or didn't have a job, my decision may have been different. I can only say what worked best for me.

I decided to stay where we were stationed for the entire deployment. We had only been there for three months when he left.

I am still fine with the decision I made. However, there are many things I wish I knew beforehand.

1. Murphy's Law is real. Get prepared.
  Two weeks into deployment I swerved to miss a car and ended up popping two of my tires. My husband was gone and I didn't know where to bring my car. If it wasn't for my boss recommending a place, I would probably still be on the side of the road.

What I should've done before my husband left, was figure out what places in town would be able to help if something happened. Ask coworkers, fellow spouses, etc. what plumber, auto mechanic, electrician etc. is the best. You might not need it, but if the time comes you will be ready.

2. You will feel guilty for not going home
My family supported my decision, but I still felt bad about it. I didn't want my family to think that I didn't want to be around them. We had lived in three different states the year before, and I could not imagine moving again. I wanted to just stay in a place for longer than a year. I felt like I was becoming transient over the last year because we moved so much.

3. People will question your decision all the time
There are so many different factors that ultimately led to my decision to stay. I think it is a lot more common for spouses to move home during the deployment. I am asked at least once a week why I stayed. I just always respond with, "It worked the best for us."

You really don't owe anyone an explanation for what works in your marriage. As long as you have a plan in place, it is entirely your decision.

4. You'll be on your own a lot more, make the best of it.
I'm not going to lie, it can get lonely. But, you don't have to just sit and be miserable. I have made multiple day trips on my own when my friends were not able to join me. I made it a point to branch out more and explore more of what I love to do.

5. You will change a lot
Someone once said, "You never grow when things are easy." Staying behind is not easy, but I have learned a lot about myself. I learned how truly self-sufficient I can be despite being brand new to state I never thought I would ever live in...ever.

6. Living alone is not so terrible.
Before this deployment, I had never lived alone for more than a month. At first, it felt odd to be okay with living alone. I honestly thought I would go crazy but I ended up being okay. I miss my husband A LOT but I like that I have been able to learn more about myself during this time.

7. Some days you will think that this was all a big mistake.
The first time we had a tornado warning while my husband was gone, I freaked out.

I thought to myself, "Well if I had moved back to Jersey, I wouldn't be in this situation right now."

More than once, I wondered if I had made it too hard on myself. I wondered if I was overly optimistic about staying behind. Was I being unrealistic about how much I could truly handle?

Gif Credit: Younger

8. You will build friendships.
The most shocking part of this deployment has been the relationships I have made. Turns out, being on your own a lot really does force you to make friends. I have become energized and encouraged by spending time with others who are going through the same thing I am.

9. Some months will last forever and ever and ever. 
I thought August was going to last for about seven years. I would look at the calendar and think that time must have stopped for a week.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to give yourself small things to look forward to. If you are only waiting for the day that your spouse comes home, you will be miserable. This doesn't need to be a fancy trip, this could just be going on a day trip, a spa day, whatever you want!

10. Homecoming will be easier.
As you get closer to your spouse's homecoming date, you will get much busier. Your biggest advantage is that you don't have to go on a house hunt while you are dealing with the craziness of homecoming.

I feel much less stressed about my husband coming home knowing I will not have to deal with another house hunt. You are not having to book flights or plan a road trip to get back in time for homecoming. You can "relax" knowing that you already have a place of your own.
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Please know that what works for one couple, doesn't necessarily mean it will work for another. I have friends who loved their decision to move home. They have their own reasons for why they chose to do so and did not think it was weird or crazy that I stayed. Be honest with what you want your deployment experience to be.

As long as you and your spouse are happy with the decision, that is what matters the most.

5 Ways Military Spouses Crush Their Goals

I hate working out.

Guess where I work? At a gym.

Seems normal enough right?

I soon realized in my mid-twenties that I was starting to feel lethargic, weak and overall like a pile of crap. I've gone to gyms on and off for a few years but I wasn't necessarily motivated to go until my husband left on deployment.

I decided to start working out so I didn't have to go home to an empty house right after work. What first became something I did to fill my time so I wouldn't be insanely lonely, became something much more. It not only helped my physical and mental state, but game me a different perspective

For reason it felt easier to go to the gym while my husband was gone. I felt this weird sense of guilt  while he was home. While this doesn't make sense, I know I am not the only one who feels this way.

Have you ever felt that you frequently put your spouse's goals before your own? Do you sometimes put aside your own goals for the sake of your spouse's ambitions? 

I have had conversations with my friends about this exact thing! We could be killing it in our own lives and crushing our own goals but we feel it pales in comparison to what our spouse does. We could be pursuing a second masters degree, getting a raise, not completely losing it on our kids and still we feel inadequate.

Supporting your spouse is not the same as taking their accomplishments as your own. Yes, we all know spouses who do this. Do I find it odd? Yes. But when you lose yourself in what your spouse's job is instead of your own job, what other choice do you have?

Here is how you can take YOUR ideas, dreams, goals, etc. and make them a reality.

1. Know your "Why".
Doing something just because you felt like it. Here's the thing about feelings, they don't last long. You need to sit down and really know the reasoning behind what you are doing. Get honest with yourself and be as specific as possible.

I wanted to work out because I felt my body was becoming weaker and I wanted to be able to live a long healthy life while not being limited by my own body. I wanted to run for more than a mile and not get winded. I wanted to lift weights and see my muscles become stronger.

I wanted to prove to myself that I could accomplish something for myself and by myself.

2. Discipline 
One of my good friends Brittany just recently ran her first marathon. She was out in the Oklahoma heat every single day running for miles. As someone who considers a 5k to be torture, I soon realized what made her different from me when it came to running. Brittany had the discipline to get up and run knowing that the marathon was going to be at the end of this training.

Crossing the finish line was going to be worth the hours and the miles she put in. The pain was temporary, the soreness would not last forever

Motivation will eventually run out. Discipline is what pushes you to do the boring stuff, the uncomfortable stuff, and the downright scary stuff.

3. Get Organized
I would say that until about two years ago, I could not be bothered with organizing or planning out my goals.

Personally, I need to write everything down or else I will forget it. It could be a doctor's appointment or some amazing blog post idea I came up with in the shower. I have the attention span of a goldfish, so writing it out is the only way that works.

To stay organized on my goals I use a planner for my work and a separate notebook for fitness goals and all my workouts. Separating the two has also helped me stay focused.

I got my planner from Plum Paper Planner and I cannot say enough good things!

4. Accountability is key
There are two reasons I have a trainer. I needed someone to make sure my form was correct and also make sure I showed up to the gym.

I hate hate haaattteee using clichés, but I truly believe that no man is an island. Have someone who you trust and who can be honest with you when it comes to accountability. This check-in could be a phone call, a text, a smoke signal or whatever works best your you.

5. The smallest goals can have the biggest impact
Want to end up running a marathon like Brittany did? You can't just get up off your couch and run 26.2 miles. You have to work up to it.

Tasks can look extremely daunting if you do not break them down. I prefer to make smaller monthly goals with the ultimate goal in mind. I also find that my goals evolve and change regularly, so once a month is much more feasible for me.

I hope this post helps you focus on attaining your achievements in a different way!

Do you have any goal crushing tips? Leave a Comment Below!

Why Making Friends with Military Spouses is So Difficult

I was requested by fellow military spouse Deanna to write this post.

If you are anything like Deanna and myself, you might have noticed something about making friends in military life....it can be really hard.

I've thought about this a lot. I've seen many spouses talk about how hard it is to make authentic friendships with other spouses. Personally, I've noticed that I feel this weird sense of apprehension about making close friends. Everything felt so temporary.

Was this an incredibly dumb way to view friendships? Yes.

I honestly thought something was wrong with me when I first moved in with my husband. I spent my college years with some amazing friends and I didn't feel like I struggled when it came to fostering authentic relationships. I spent my summers throughout high school and college with friends that I still have today.

Yet here I was, struggling to connect with people.

No, it is not the military's job to figure out a spouse's friendships....obviously. But man, I felt lonely as anything for a few months.

I was born, raised, and went to school within the same 150 miles radius. To say I lived in a bubble was an understatement. I hung out with people who thought like me, looked like me, believed in the same things I did, etc. This wasn't a bad thing necessarily, but it did not set me up for success when I moved across the country.

Let's face it, we like to have friends that are similar to us. When you are moved from that safe haven you grew up in and placed with people from all over the country and with all different beliefs...things can get interesting.

The military is a very interesting microcosm of society. You take people from all over the world, then stick them at some base in the middle of nowhere and hope they can work together as a team. Then you add their families into the mix, and hope that they can just figure this all out. Sounds easy enough right?

I wanted to make friends who were just like me. Why? Because it was safe.

If they weren't like me, I wanted them to be that perfect military spouse friend.

The one who I can call when my husband was gone.

The one who understands what it is like to be away from family.

The one who I can call for everything.

The one that did not exist.

We can't expect people to be the perfect friend when are all imperfect people. We can't just sit and wait for that bff to show up in our lives and make our new home perfect. We have to be willing to branch out. We have to be willing to be friends with people who may be different from us in nearly every way.

This does not mean that you have to lose who you are as a person to gain your group.What I had to do was stop being prideful, and start genuinely forming close bonds with people who are not like me.I have been lucky enough to meet incredible people on this journey.

I have made friends who have honestly saved my sanity at times.

The military is like a train station, people are always coming and going. Many of my friends are now scattered all over the world. Think of how much modern technology can help us continue to grow these friendships. Not to mention all the fun places you can travel to!

My biggest piece of advice is to be open. This doesn't mean you have to hang out with people are truly not a good friend to have, this means to give people a chance. Crummy people are everywhere, but so are genuinely nice people. Don't try to fit people into this rigid set of expectations in order to be your friend.

Got a suggestion for a blog post??? Leave a comment!

15 Thoughts Spouses Have During Deployment That Are Totally Normal

 Deployments bring a tsunami wave of thoughts and emotions. If you are anything like me, your thoughts are most likely all over the place. Sometimes I felt like I was the only one who was having certain thoughts about deployment.

You probably feel like you are the only one who wonders, "Is it bad that I like having the bed to myself?" Trust me, you are in good company.

Here are fifteen thoughts that are completely normal to feel during a deployment:

1."Is it okay, that I feel completely okay?" 
 For some people, deployment does not feel that hard. The distance stinks, but the rest of it is not all bad. Some people can cope better with distance or have dealt with it before. It doesn't mean you love your spouse any less.

2. "I don't know how I'm going to handle sleeping in this house alone."
 I felt the same exact way. We invested in a security system and I felt a lot better. Plus, I have a small dog that thinks he is a doberman.

3. "It is kinda nice not having gear all over the place."
 Amen.


4. "What happens if :insert unfortunate scenario here: and I have no one to help me?"
The military community is good at one thing, taking care of their own. Two weeks into my husband's second deployment, I swerved to avoid hitting a car that made an illegal turn and popped two of my tires. If it wasn't for two of my friends helping me take the car to get fixed, I would've been stuck.
If you are dealing with something a bit more difficult, contact your FRG leader or Ombudsman. They can connect you to the resources you need.

5. "I want to go home during deployment is that bad?"
Not at all.


6. "I've decided to stay here for deployment, is that bad?"
Nope.


7. "I feel guilty for having fun without my spouse."
I feel like this sometimes. For some reason, I feel like I don't deserve to have a good time since he is not either. Staying busy and interacting with others is what can make or break a deployment. Have fun.

8. "I'm afraid people will judge me for going out or taking trips while my spouse is gone."
That is their issue. If it works for YOUR relationship and you can respect your marriage while having fun, it is not their business. 


9. "I'm angry at my spouse for leaving even though I know it isn't their fault."
This is a thought that I am always angry at myself for thinking. It is really hard to place blame on the military in general, since their job pretty much guarantees they will be sent away. But that doesn't mean you have to like it.


10. "I feel like I don't have much to say when we are able to talk."
After a while, everyday starts to feel like the movie Groundhog's Day. Sometimes, your conversations will feel like the same one over and over. This doesn't mean that you are having communication issues, this means you have gotten use to this "new normal."

11. "I feel like I am not sending care packages that are 'cool enough'"
I am not good at crafting...at all. I used to get really worried that just sending stuff in a box wasn't enough. I'm sure you have see the amazing boxes some spouses send on social media. As long as you send the things your spouses asks for and a nice note, they will be very happy.

12. "I have this weird sense of dread with homecoming getting closer."
Think about it this way, you now have a routine that is about to get completely thrown out of whack. You also have this homecoming built up in your head, which probably isn't helping. This does not meant that you do not want to see your spouse! This means that a big adjustment is coming.

13. "I'm afraid that our relationship will be different."
Deployments can range from six months to a year. Things will be different when you start living your lives together again. It will take time to readjust.

14. "Holidays and birthdays just feel like another day. I'm not in the mood to celebrate."
Spending any important anniversary or holiday away from your loved one is hard. It doesn't matter if your spouse is gone for a week or a year. I'm not going to tell you that you have to celebrate how you normally would, but don't let yourself be miserable for the entire day.


15. "I don't think I can handle this."
I promise you can. You might feel this way once in a while, but this will come to an end.

The BIGGEST Mistake Military Spouses Make After A PCS

Welcome to your new home for the next 2-5+ years. You didn't want to come here at all. Actually, it is probably the last place you wanted to have your family sent to.

Sound familiar? It does for me.

Let's go back a few months. We were stationed in Arizona when we found out we were moving to the post lovingly called, "The Armpit of the Army." I mean sure it was closer to family (by that I mean a much shorter plane ride) but that was about the only positive thing I could find.

Fast forward to now, my mindset has completely changed. I realized I was about to make a huge mistake when we first PCSd here. It was the same one I made at our first duty station.

I did not take advantage of the community around me.

Sounds simple enough right? For a majority of spouses that is not the case.

I felt some sort of animosity toward the world around me since it was not the one I grew up in. While this is an extremely childish approach, this is the one I took. I felt that "those people" wouldn't get me, wouldn't understand, etc. etc. I could not have been more misguided.

I didn't want to be a "joiner" just because I wanted to make friends. I didn't want to seem desperate for friendship, even though I was. I tried to fight the advice of others and do things the my way. I missed out.

When you first get to your new duty station you absolutely need to immerse yourself in the community. You need to be everyone's friend or join every club, you need to get out of your damn house. I found every excuse in the book to not be involved, to the point that I did not go to a single FRG meeting, meet-up, etc. at our first duty station.

I don't just mean the military community either. The civilian community is one that many military members and their families do not get involved in. But why? How else would you learn about the best kept secrets where you live without them?

Do not put limitations on your friendships to fit some narrow idea of what relationships in the military should be like. Deployments will come and you will be lonely. The friendships you make can dull that sting a bit and help you appreciate your even crappiest duty station a little bit more.

12 Answers to your "Dumb" Military Spouse Questions

I have noticed a trend on many Facebook groups, Twitter posts, etc. A post will usually start with, "This is probably a stupid question but...."

At first, I find myself thinking that most of these answers are obvious. But usually, they are not.

I was afraid to ask questions to seem like an idiot. When in reality, I was just new to all of this. How would I know what I could or could not do? I didn't know anyone in the military or any other military spouses.

I created this list after thinking about the answers I felt were too "stupid" to ask. I can guarantee you EVERY SINGLE SPOUSE has thought about or asked some of these questions.

1. Does rank matter to me?
Why don't we just get this one out of the way. Unless you are a military member yourself, rank does not apply to you. At all. Ever.

I'm looking at you, women who have their spouse's rank on their cars....stop that.

2. I'm not married yet, can my spouse and I live together?
It depends...

If your spouse is an officer they are allowed to live off post. This can vary if they are overseas. Lower enlisted ranks like E1-E5 usually have to live in the barracks if they are not married and/or have no dependents. There are exceptions to this policy but they are made the discretion of the command.

If your spouse is able to move in with you, it would have to be off post. Only married military members or military members with dependents are allowed to live on post...most of the time. You will also not receive the BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) with dependents. It is more money than that of a single solider

3. Does the military pay to move you? 
The military will reimburse you for certain things pertaining to a PCS move. You have option to have the military move everything, some of what you own, or move all of it yourself.


The military does not pay for any move unless you have orders. They will not pay for you to move home during a deployment. They do pay to move you if your spouse is going on an unaccompanied tour. If you are moving to a location where your spouse is already stationed, they will not pay for your move.

4. My friends/family want to visit. Can they get on post? 
Only those who have a DOD approved ID (Veteran ID, Dependent ID, Uniformed Services ID, etc.) are allowed to go on post without a visitor's pass. Most military bases will require a visitor's pass or DOD ID in order to get on post.

To get a pass, you will need to head over to the visitor's center. These are usually located right outside of the main gate. Your visitors will have to bring some form of govt. ID and pass a background check in order to receive a visitor's pass. They can give you the pass the same day you apply or you can apply in advance.

5. What is my DEERS card for? 
The DEERS card shows that you are enrolled in the Defense Eligibility Enrollment System. This card is what gives you access to your benefits such as TRICARE (your health insurance). You also use this card to access post, use the gym, shop at the commissary, etc. Military members are automatically enrolled but dependents must be registered.

6. Does that mean I am automatically enrolled in dental as well?
No. Enrollment in dental is separate from TRICARE. However, you can enroll through the TRICARE website.


7. Is on-post housing guaranteed?
No. Some posts have better availability than others. During PCS season (the summer) you will probably be put on a wait list. You could be waiting two weeks to several months for a house.

8. How often will my spouse deploy?
Depends on the needs of the military. They can be in for five years and have two or three deployments, or they could be in for eight years and have only one. Even if your spouse isn't in a combat mos, they're still just as needed when there is a deployment.

9. Can they send my spouse on an unaccompanied tour if we are married and have children.
Yes.

10. Does the military take our choices for our next post into consideration?
At the end of the day, they will send your spouse where they are needed. If your spouse has a more specialized mos or you have a dependent on EFMP, they will absolutely work with you. You'll hear some responses from spouses like, "We got our #1 choice!" or "Where is this base? This wasn't even on our list."

For my own personal story on PCS season, click here

11. Why is my spouse annoyed that I posted the homecoming date on facebook?
Because it could end up moving the homecoming date back even further, and making A LOT of people mad. OPSEC (Operational Security) are guidelines meant to protect military members and their families, especially online. Posting homecoming dates, deployment dates, troop movements, etc. is not allowed.

For a more in depth look at OPSEC click here

12. Is it really that hard to make friends with other spouses?
Yes and no. Military posts are like train stations, people are always coming and leaving. I have made some great friends, only to have them move away four months later. It stinks. I have met spouses that I just didn't click with. But, I have also become close friends with some amazing people in the military and spouses alike. It is a support system you will need ESPECIALLY during deployments.

 I can't say that everyone shares the same sentiment I do but I take my friendships seriously. I love being able to say I have friends all over the world and can vent to them about all the craziness. 



Have any other "dumb" questions you would like answered? Leave a comment!!

6 Questions to Consider When Moving to a Short-Term Assignment

You probably see a lot of people ask for opinions on moving home for deployments, but about about moving home during schools or short-assignment?

Your spouse will likely be sent to some form of school or short-term assignment at least once in their military career. These courses can last for up to a year or more.

Many spouses are faced with the decision of whether or not it is worth to pack everything up and move once again. Some spouses support going with their spouse, while others choose to stay behind.

Here are the most important questions to ask yourself when making this decision:

1. How long will we be apart for?
  It could a few months, or over a year. Is the distance worth it even it could be for quite a while? Some couples handle time apart better than others, and that is okay! This could be a tiny factor or the deciding factor in your decision.

2. What will their schedule be like?
 Will they be busy to the point that you only see them on the weekends? Could they only have to be in class a few hours a day? The best way to find out this information is to seek the guidance of other spouses.

 I reached out to the spouse Facebook page on the base where his training would be and asked this question. You will most likely get the best and most honest answers that way!

3. How would my career be affected? 
Steady employment is hard to come by for many spouses. If you have a career you love where you currently are, you might want to stay. It can also prevents gaps in employment which so many spouses have.


4. What about the kids?
If you have children, this can be a much more stressful decision. Is the move in the middle of the school year? Would my kids thrive in a new place for only a few months? Should we ask what they think?

Children can be greatly affected by frequent moves. You have to figure out what is best for your children and their happiness.

5. Does it make sense financially?
Would it be a strain on your finances to stay behind or to move? If you were not able to relocate a job, could you survive on one income?

Are finances fun to talk about? Absolutely not! However, finances are usually the main factor in deciding if you should stay or go. 

6. What comes next?
Will you PCS to a new location? Is a deployment on the horizon? Planning ahead (and having a plan b, c, d etc.) is essential.

My husband deployed a few months after we got to our current post. We had just come from a short-term assignment for a training course. We were there for a little over nine months. Looking back, I'm happy made the decision to stay due the deployment. However, I did miss having a job, I was frequently bored, and we were in Arizona....in the summer. 

What works for one marriage won't work for another. I feel like a broken record saying that, but so many people forget it. Some would never stay behind while others find it odd to pack up and move. No matter what happens, you will wonder if you made the right decision and that is okay! What matters is, that you made the decision as a couple.

Having a spouse in the military comes with a lot of tough decisions. While this might not be the toughest one you make, it can be scary. Please know that you are alone and that many of us have been in the same place you have! I hope these questions help guide your decision, whatever that may be!

The Military Spouse Mental Health Problem

**Please note that I am not a medical professional. I do not have any professional background in mental health.**

If you are currently experiencing a mental health emergency, please contact the Military Crisis Line at 800-273-8255 and Press 1 or text 838255 for online chat. This service is available 24/7 and completely confidential.

The military has a problem treating mental health in active and retired military members.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness has found that military members are five times more likely to have depression than civilians. Traumatic Brain Injuries and PTSD are major problems among those who have deployed post 9/11. (Source: NAMI)

We could go on forever about the stigma of mental illness in the military. How the suicide rate among military members has nearly doubled since 2004. How bases like Fort Hood, Texas suffer an average of one suicide per month. The unfortunate reality of the mental health crisis in the military is becoming harder to avoid with every passing day. (Source: USA Today)

But then there are the families of the military members. They have significantly higher chances of having a mental illness than family members of civilians. They experience significantly higher levels of anxiety and depressions due to the stress of their spouse's job, moving constantly, etc. (Source: National Center for Biotechnology Information)

Not surprisingly, there is not a lot of research done about the mental health of dependents.

But should the military be responsible for the mental health of dependents? If they are responsible, what kind of treatment should they offer? How do dependents find out about these treatments?

Since I am a military spouse, I figured I could get some more personal and honest answers. I decided to reach out to fellow spouses the best way I knew how...Facebook.

There are TONS of military spouse Facebook groups. How did I find out what a redeployment ceremony is like? Facebook groups. How did I learn what vet to pick when we moved? Facebook groups. Military spouses love Facebook. So why not take advantage of it?

I reached out to spouses of all walks of life. I received 215 anonymous responses to a six-question survey. I have concluded that the best way to present some of my findings, is through infographics and charts.

I was shocked that 66% of spouses surveyed said they had a mental health problem while being a military spouse. Over half. That is a problem.

But still, is it the military's problem?

I asked, "What do you think the military could improve in regards to mental health awareness for dependents?"

While the answers to some questions varied I noticed two common responses. Many spouses fear the stigma of seeking help and/or do not know who to turn to for help.

One spouse commented that the military needs to, "[Have] information and resources more readily available and easy to access. As a dependent, there were times when I tried seeking out help but didn’t know who or where I could turn to. I didn’t want to get my husband's chain of command involved and aside from them my husband was also at a loss as to where to guide me."

Another spouse wrote, "My husband and I arrived at his FDS last year. The integration with his unit was horrible. Of course, there have been changes to Tricare, so it is difficult to keep people up to date. I don't feel like they care in general though. 40% of soldiers on our base just deployed. Wives are on Facebook every day asking what to do about depression."

I also received a few responses from spouses who felt the military does enough already.

"I really do not think it is the military's job to coddle us. My husband has deployed for 15 months, 13 months, and 3-12 month deployments. If I have an issue, which anxiety and depression are my good friends I pick up the phone and call a mental health care professional. The military gives us some of the cheapest, maybe not the greatest, health care out there. Please use it" 

"I had depression and anxiety recognized immediately by my PCM and I was referred to a mental health professional immediately. I loved working with her and. I have the tools I need to help myself and my family. I’ve been very very pleased with my mental health care from the army."

The military does have programs put in place for military members and their families. Military Family Life Counselors provide non-medical counseling free of charge to military members and their families. TRICARE also works with primary care doctors to properly refer and treat mental health issues. Military One Source is a great way to learn more about what resources are available to you. These are fantastic resources to help navigate what treatment route is best for you.

However, no mental health problem is the same. Everyone has a different experience. A person might take one treatment route or multiple methods of treatment. A one size fits all approach is often the issue with the military mental health treatment. 

I asked people to include what their treatment was when they selected other. 

Here are a few of those responses: 

• Yoga
• Bible Study Group
• Exercise
• Marijuana
• Friends and Family
• Holistic Therapies
• Emotional Support Animal 
• Self Care

What is an effective treatment for some, could be detrimental to others. There are so many great options that are simply poorly advertised and promoted. Spouses can feel forgotten and lost in the system. Family Readiness groups are sometimes slow to relay these resources to spouses...if they do it at all. Since FRGs are all run differently, there is no way to know who is getting what kind of information.

A spouse commented, "Mental health is complicated for EVERYONE and a stay at home spouse is less likely to be noticed having a mental health issue than an active duty member just based on visibility. Supervisors and unit leadership should be asking members about their families and then following up."

The military has a very long way to go when it comes to mental health treatment. Mental health has only become a more publicized issue in the last decade. We cannot expect changes to happen overnight but we should not become complacent. Our military members and families deserve much more.

10 Things I Wish I Knew When I Moved Away From Home

I have yet to meet a person who was 100% prepared when they moved away from home. Walking away from everything you've ever known to a new place is terrifying.

I was born, raised, and went to college all within about a 75-mile radius. When I got engaged, I decided I was going to quit my job and move to Colorado. I didn't know anyone other than my husband, didn't have health insurance at the time, and had no idea what moving across the country entailed.

Looking back, there are A LOT of things I wish I did differently.

1. Money Matters
When I first moved away, I did not have much of an interest in anything finance related.

I wish I did my research. I didn't build a budget, ate out often, paid for everything on a credit card, etc. etc. I would use my lunch breaks as an excuse to go to Sephora.

I don't even want to think about the money I wasted on junk.

What changed my mindset? Dave Ramsey. If you haven't heard of him, I HIGHLY recommend you grab his books, listen to his podcast, and watch his videos. He is no-nonsense when it comes to being financially stable. Click Here for Dave's Podcast. I used to listen to it nearly constantly when I started to get serious about money.

2. Long Distance Friendships Are Worth It
Making friends after college is difficult. We're all on different life paths, have different careers, etc.
The military throws a very interesting curve ball with friendships as well.

How many friends have you met at a duty station only to have them move away three months later? Probably quite a few and IT IS THE WORST.

When you have lived your entire life in essentially the same place, you have probably left quite a few friends behind. I've seen many spouses say that they haven't kept up with their friends from home or friends who have moved away. This is probably one of the biggest mistakes you could make.

Relationships matter. Friendships matter. The loneliness I felt when I first moved to Colorado would probably have been ten times worse without my friends.

This is the age of social media and constant connection. You have no excuse to not keep in touch. It doesn't need to be every day or even every week. Even a ten-minute phone call from two times zones away can change your day.

3. Learn How To Cook
Going off my first point, learning how to cook is VITAL. I don't mean cooking mac and cheese from a box, I mean actual meals.

Not only are you saving money, it forces you to make healthier choices. You don't need to become a culinary master. It took me almost two weeks to figure out how to properly bake chicken.

Hop on Pinterest, find some easy recipes, and get cooking.

4. Don't buy expensive furniture
You will move a lot with the military. You will live in different places and in different climates.

When we lived in three states in one year, our stuff took quite the beating. We have had friends who have couches disappear, bedroom sets destroyed, and a plethora of other horror stories.

Don't waste your money on furniture that might not survive a move. This doesn't mean you need to buy a $50 dollar couch...but maybe don't buy a $2500 sectional.

5. You will have culture shock
I figured moving anywhere in the United States would not give me culture shock. The whole country has pretty much the same stores, same food, etc. I was beyond wrong.

Where I grew up, you always had to be going somewhere and doing something.

Turns out most of the country is not like that. I had to get used to a slower pace, overall nicer people, and stores being closed at seven. It took me a couple months to not get creeped out when strangers tried to strike up a conversation in stores.

6. You will be homesick

7. Explore as much as possible
I sincerely regret the weekends I spent not doing anything. I could have spent that time driving to one of the many mountains in the area. Now that I live in an area that is completely flat, I miss those hikes more than anything!

8. Visit home as often as you can
For those who are a plane ride away, this is not always a financially feasible option. If you can save up enough to go home even twice a year, do it. I was too wrapped up in my job, getting settled in a new place, etc. I should've made my family and friends back home a bigger priority.

9. You will have to get acclimated to the climate
In Colorado it snowed sideways. In Arizona it was so hot trashcans melted. In Oklahoma the thunderstorms are so bad it is like something out of a movie.

The first year will definitely be interesting when it comes to weather. Give yourself time to adjust and invest in pieces that are perfect for the climate. If I didn't have my winter coat in Colorado, I would probably still be frozen solid somewhere in the Rockies.

10. You will change
The twenties are tough. You're trying to figure out who you are without your parents and the safety of everything you've ever known. It is scary and sometimes, it is downright painful.

But it is beyond worth it.

You will grow. Your relationship will grow. Your confidence in yourself will grow. There are too many positive outcomes to not take the chance.

  

Twenty Five Tips for the New Military Spouse

This list is something I really needed when I first married my husband. I didn't know anything about the military. I didn't know a single soul who had served in the military and I certainly didn't know any spouses. The movies and TV shows were inaccurate and honestly dramatic as anything.

These tips are honest. They are not dramatic, unrealistic, or painting a fairy tale that doesn't exist. We have "Army Wives" to paint that story for us.

1. Get ready to learn
The military is its own little world. The lingo, schedules, events, etc. are unique to the military world. I had no idea what most of the terminology meant at all. You don't need to know it all...plus I don't even think its possible. There are so many fantastic resource available to you. I highly recommend checking out militaryonesource.com for any and all questions you may have. It is a LIFESAVER!

2. TRICARE is confusing for everyone at first
Health insurance is not the easiest thing to understand, but then you have TRICARE. TRICARE will change at the drop of a hat and you might not even know it!

There are currently two regions in the United States and three regions internationally.

Photo Credit: TRICARE

The most common TRICARE plans are:

• TRICARE Prime (Available on overseas assignments)
• You are provided a PCM (Primary Care Manager) and receive most of your care from them
• Referral needed for specialists
• No Deductible, No Copay
• TRICARE Select (Available on overseas assignments)
• You are able to use any provider who takes TRICARE select insurance
• No Referrals needed
• Deductibles and Co-pays do apply
• TRICARE  Prime Remote - If you are assigned to a location that is more than 50 miles from a military hospital or clinic. Also available on overseas assignments.

To enroll in TRICARE, you first must be enrolled in DEERS.

3. DEERS Doesn't Have to be Complicated
The Defense Eligibility Enrollment System is a database containing information on military and DOD members and their dependents. Your spouse will be automatically enrolled, but they will have to enroll you and any other dependents.

Your spouse will have to be present in order to enroll you into DEERS. The only way you can enroll yourself or a child into DEERS without your spouse, is with a Power of Attorney that is specifically for DEERS enrollment.

DEERS is where you will receive your dependent ID card. This allows you to gain access to the commissary, MWR facilities, going on base, etc. It also serves as your insurance card.

 It DOES NOT automatically mean you get military discounts everywhere you do.

4. Dental Insurance is different from TRICARE
While your dentist will know what you are talking about when you say TRICARE is your insurance, it is through a different provider. The provider changes frequently so keep an eye out for any changes.

As of May 2018 the provider is United Concordia.  Click here for more info on how to enroll. 

5. EFMP can affect where you are sent/the kind of medical care you receive
The Exceptional Family Member Program was put in place to provide services to military dependents. It provides dependents access to medical care that is more specialized to their needs. These needs can range from severe learning disabilities to cystic fibrosis to ALS.

"The qualifications for EFMP include but are not limited to the following: 

1. Requires special medical services for a chronic condition
2. Receives ongoing services from a medical specialist
3. Has significant behavioral health concerns
4. Receives early intervention or special education services through an individual family service plan or individualized education program." (Credit: MilitaryOneSource) 

For information on the enrollment process, contact your local military and family support center by clicking HERE.

6. Housing can be confusing and stressful at times.
You have to have a plan B, C, and D when it comes to where you are going to live. Many times you will find that military housing is full, so off post is your only option. This is not a bad thing at all but you need to be aware of the housing market you are moving into.

When we moved to our current post we scoured trulia to look at crime maps, location, proximity to base, etc. Before making our final decision on where to rent.


I highly recommend joining the Facebook groups that are affiliated with where you are moving to. Ask questions! Odds are everyone who was moving to that post had the same questions about where to live.

7. There are restrictions for "on-post" housing
These vary from post to post but usually most have the same rules. Make sure you check with on post housing to see what they are specifically for your post.

They can include but are not limited to:

• Dog Breed Restrictions
• All firearms needing to be registered on base
• Guests are only allowed to stay or a certain amount of days
• Limits to the amount of pets in a home

8. Meet your neighbors
Odds are you are far away from family. Your neighbors most likely know the area and neighborhood better than you and can be a great asset! Yes, we have all had bad neighbors but we have also had great ones as well. I was able to ask my neighbors endless questions about army living and they were such as asset when we lived on post.

Photo Credit

9. Get Involved
You don't need to become the picture perfect wife who volunteers for everything. That isn't feasible and honestly it isn't necessary. Volunteering your time when you can is the best way to learn about the military and meet others. I learned most of what I know about the military was from volunteering on post!

CLICK HERE to read my post where I go more in depth about volunteering.

10. Get Connected
Military Facebook groups are a great way to ask questions and learn more about military life. You can learn more about your new home, get care package ideas, and so much more. Like anything with the internet, you might interact with some "unsavory" people. Keep in mind that this is not the majority of spouses.

But remember, you can never be 100% sure who you are speaking to is who they say they are.

11. Learn OPSEC and PERSC
Opsec (Operational Security) and PERSEC (Personal Security) are a set of guidelines used to protect service members and their families. While these have been around for decades, it is used today mainly for protecting personal and sensitive information online.

"My husband left for Afghanistan on ______ and will be there for ___ months," is a violation of OPSEC.  

"I'm so mad I'll be home alone for the next month while my husband is at NTC," is a violation of PERSEC.

Always think before you post. Is someone monitoring your online presence? Who knows. Violations of these guidelines have caused homecomings to be delayed which has led to VERY angry people...don't be that guy.

 For more information on OPSEC click here. For more information on PERSEC click here

12. Deployment orders will eventually come...ugh...
Two deployments in your would think I would have some grip on what I'm doing...not always. Deployments are different for every person, every marriage etc. Everyone has a different experience and what happens in one country might not happen in another. 

Ask people what their experience was, but realize that your experience could be very different. It could be easier or harder for you and that is okay.

13. Power of Attorneys are a must when you spouse is deployed
A power of attorney is a legal document that allows someone to make decisions based on someone else's behalf. It can cover anything from signing a lease and The two most common types of POA you will see with deployments are the general and special poa.

For deployments most people recommend you have the following POAs:

1. General
2. DEERS
3. Housing
4. Registering Vehicles
5. Banking (USAA requires a specific POA)

**Keep in mind certain states have different rules for POAs. Contact your local JAG (legal) office for more detailed information.

14. Go to pre-deployment meetings/town halls
I will be the first to say that I don't attend very many "spouse" meetings. Pre-deployment meetings are the most important meetings you can attend.

Every single deployment is different no matter how many different stories you have heard. There is information distributed at these meetings that are vital to understanding where your spouse is going and who you can contact if you need assistance.

15. Get your finances in order
If your spouse is the one who handles all finances and bills, you will most likely have to take over when they are gone. It is important to have access to the online accounts if needed. You also need to make sure you have all the dates for when bills and expenses will auto-deduct from your account.

Ensure that you have conversations about how best to manage finances with deployment on the way. If necessary speak to one of the free financial advisors available through Army Community Service.

16. Set goals along the way
If the only thing you are looking forward to is the end of deployment...you're gonna have a bad time. It could be looking forward to a girls weekend, taking a college class, working out more, etc. etc. etc. Make this a time for you to grow, not suffer.

Gif Source: Giphy

17. You don't need to be strong all the time
Mental health matters a lot. I feel like a broken record saying this but it is imperative that you seek help if you are feeling depressed, anxious, etc. Military Family Life Counselors offer free non-medical counseling FOR FREE and it everything is confidential.

 Click Here for more information on how to contact an MFLC in your area.


18. It might feel like a lifetime, but homecoming will happen!
After looking at a countdown clock FOREVER you will definitely feel the excitement and nerves of homecoming soon enough. It is a thousand emotions rolled into one.


Click Here for a post about my experience with homecoming, reintegration and all that fun stuff.

19. Military balls are what you make of them
You've probably heard some crazzzy stories from others about military balls. Is there a lot of drinking? Oh yes. Are there interesting outfit choices? Always. But can you still have fun at them? Absolutely! 

Follow your spouse's lead if this is your first ball. They will know what to do...hopefully.

Here are some tips for outfits:

1. Keep the boobs and butt covered
2. Floor or tea length dresses are expected
3. Trains on dresses might not be the best idea since a lot of people are walking around
4. Rarely ever do people remember the normal dresses...only the inappropriate ones

GIF Credit: Giphy

 20. Rank does not matter to you

To make a friend in the military community, you won't want to ask what their spouse's rank is off the bat. It is tacky and it makes it appear like that is one of the biggest things you care about. It is your spouse's rank not yours.

I have had friends who have spouses who are enlisted to spouses who far outrank my husband, it does not matter to you. You will miss out on making lasting friendships.

21. Don't always listen to the negativity
You will find that certain people can be negative about nearly everything when it comes to military life. Do I love it? Not usually. But I have learned so much about myself as a person and as a partner.

People will love where they are stationed and people will hate it no matter what. This isn't mutually exclusive to military life but it does happen more often. This could be because of the unpredictability of the military but it is not an excuse.

22. Different posts for different folks
Not everyone is going to like every place they are sent to. This is okay! However, just because they hate it does not mean you have to. I am currently living at a post that many think is so horrible they cry when they find out they are moving here. While it is not my favorite place we have lived, I enjoy it here! My job, my friends, and my home are all great!


I definitely makes sense to take advice from those who have lived where you are going, but make your own opinions.

23. Everything is temporary
Even if you hate where you are stationed, eventually you will leave. Deployments are hard, but they do end.

You will be put in some stressful and uncomfortable situations while your spouse is in the military. This is not an opinion, this is a given. The silver lining is that no matter how tough it get, eventually it will come to an end.

24. TRAVEL
Odds are you are stationed at a place you are not familiar with. Getting away for a day even if its just two hours from home, can make you appreciate where you are! You can discover hidden gems, local food, and make your Instagram feed that much more enviable.

25. Take a breath. It will all be okay. 

 

When Communication is Hard During Deployment

It has been three months since my husband left and I like to think I've been doing "okay".

My job is going well, my relationships are good, etc. etc. I have checked the boxes that need to be checked so I should be totally fine right? Am I fine? What does fine even mean?

For the all the different types of social media we have today, most of us are terrible at conveying how we really feel. We are more open with strangers on the internet than we are with our own significant others because we don't want to "bother" them while they are gone.

I do this more than I would like to admit.

You don't want to burden someone with your problems. They are an ocean away with a wild work schedule and you feel guilty for dumping your baggage on them. So instead you call your Mom and whine to her about how the time distance is a pain and you're sick of it etc etc. But at the end of the day you have come to the conclusion that you can't just shut off communication because it feels better or like you are protecting the other person.

Deployments are hard. I like to think of myself as independent enough to live on my own, but I definitely have hit that "deployment wall." That wall that makes you feel like this is going to last FOR-EV-ER and you cannot possibly make it to nine months. You are going to be stuck with five minute phone calls with a 15 hour time difference until the day you die.

You look at this massive wall in front of you and think to yourself, "I can't tell them about this. They will worry about me too much on top what they are already doing."

But relationships don't work at way.

You have to be willing to carry the burden of one another when needed. No matter how messy that can be. Your spouse will be more than willing to listen.

This is just not sitting and complaining about every little thing. This is being honest with yourself that just because you think you can do it alone, doesn't mean you should. Time spent apart can wear on anyone, no matter how strong you think you are. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you a human being who hasn't seen your significant other in months and sometimes years.

This is a bitter pill that I have had to swallow. I could only improve my communication once I applied what I knew to be true, he wanted to know how I was actually feeling. Sugarcoating does not work. It never has.

You don't marry someone because you are going to perfectly happy forever and ever. That is your partner on a journey that can be downright insane at times. It requires you to be honest with what you are feeling, while listening for whatever might be burdening your partner.

We have been lucky to improve our communication A TON on this deployment but we have had to work for it. We couldn't assume that the other person was on the same wavelength all the time or that they were feeling the same way we were. It takes time but it is nice to be able to confide with the one you love without feeling like you are just complaining all the time. You can lend an ear but you also need to be aware of when you need one too.

The Day They Leave

Let's talk about everyone's favorite topic...the day your spouse leaves....ugh

I usually try to stay positive about things like this for my own sanity, but I would not be correctly conveying how I truly feel right now. I am the absolute worst at communicating how I feel about anything. I either appear dismissive or way too excited, there is no in between.

There is no one size fits all story line for what you will feel like when they leave. Some of us have kids to worry about, some of us move home, and some of us are so used to deployments it is just another day. There is no right or wrong way to feel. From talking with my friends who have gone through the same thing, I have noticed a pattern on how most of us are felt when our spouse left.

Relief
Am I kidding? No.

This isn't relief in the traditional sense. There is a dark cloud that hangs over your relationship before they leave. You're surrounded by all the stuff they are bringing and odds are it smells. It is a constant reminder that you are basically in purgatory waiting for them to go. The days drag and you haven't even started the countdown for when they come home.

"Just leave so we can get this over with." You feel horrible for thinking that, but they are probably thinking the same thing.

Sadness

....obviously


Confusion
I felt different walking into my house after I dropped him off. It is like I was walking into a place that I didn't know. It went from a shared space to one that I only I occupy. I know it is still our place, but things felt off. Even driving his car felt weird. His office door has not been opened since I don't really need anything in there, it isn't my space.

Distraction
The next day I did more laundry and grocery shopping in one day, than I normally do in a week. I have now become a full-blown chef and make my own meals nearly every night. While I do enjoy cooking, this is purely a distraction. Instead of coming home to an empty house and just taking in the silence....I fill up the silence with an extremely loud food processor.

Going Into Hiding 
 I have the tendency to become a hermit. I am totally down with just sitting at my house watching tv or reading on a Friday night. If it wasn't for the awesome friends I have here and my job, I would probably barely leave the house. I will also be the first to say that THIS IS NOT HOW YOU SHOULD LIVE YOUR LIFE. Seriously, it is just plain sad and lonely.


The Curse
The Deployment Curse is a real thing. The theory is, that once your spouse leaves something will break. It could be the the dishwasher, the pipes, etc etc. I thought that this was absolutely not true. But less than a week after he left I popped not one, but two of my tires while swerving to miss a car that made an illegal turn. My advice is....just have some money set aside for the inevitable.

 Letting It Out
If you feel that you need someone to just talk to, check out MilitaryOneSource. You can find resources and information about non-medical counseling by Military Family Life Counselors. These people are trained to work specifically with military members and their spouses. I also encourage you to reach out and see if there is an MFLC assigned to your spouse's unit. MFLCs can be placed with units who are deploying to work specifically with those families.

 Whether it is your spouse's first deployment or their fifth. What matters is that you know that you are absolutely not alone in how you are feeling and coping. You don't have to be "fine" or "okay" all the time. You just have to know that this deployment will come to an end. You will be shocked at how truly well you handled this time apart.