6 Things No One Tells You About Living Alone

I always thought living alone would be something I would do at some point in my life. It wasn't until my late twenties that I found out what it truly felt like.

Since my husband has been deployed I've gotten a taste of what living alone has been like. Although there are some negatives, I definitely have found some positive sides of doing it on your own!

1. Your sense of responsibility will explode.
No one else is getting those dishes in the sink clean. That load of laundry is not going to get magically folded.

You are running the whole show. How your home is handled, cleaned, etc. is dictated by you.

The biggest takeaway I got from being a one-woman show is to manage my time wisely. When I come home from work I know that I am the one to make sure the house is the way I want it to be.

2. You will get used to sleeping alone.
I used to be terrified of sleeping anywhere alone. I would keep all my lights and tv on...and didn't sleep because of it.

While the neighborhood I live in is completely safe, the surrounding area can get a bit dicey. I would always recommend in investing in a security system before anything else. You can find wireless security cameras and security systems that work great!

I listen to podcasts to have some noise in the background. I also sleep with a very protective doxie with a napoleon complex.

3. You won't always hate living alone.
I currently sleep in the starfish position on a diagonal in my king sized bed. It is amazing. I highly recommend it when you have the bed to yourself.


4. A good cleaning routine can save your sanity.
 I need routines to stay on track. My brain can go in a million directions at once. I like to clean in the mornings and on the weekend. I chose one room to deep clean and tidy up throughout the day.

I also have an evening wind down routine...because apparently I need routines to function.

5. You will feel overwhelmed at times.
Sometimes you will feel like this weight on your shoulder. Sometimes it will feel downright crappy being alone. I have not found a single person who has not felt the same way.

It is okay to not feel okay all the time.

However, if this feeling starts to feel debilitating I would highly recommend reaching out to a professional. It is not stupid or dumb to feel sad about being on your own.

6. Using a meal delivery service is a great idea if you are cooking for one.
Not sponsored. I am just someone who loves to cook, but hates to grocery shop.

There are not a lot of healthy food options in my area. I have found that getting my ingredients delivered to me has been the best way to go.

I can choose what meals I want and I don't have to go out and buy an ingredient I will only use once. Since most meal kits are meant for two servings, you have something ready for lunch the next day!

Yes, It Is Normal To Be Nervous About Homecoming

You've been waiting for this date for MONTHS. The distance, dropped calls, communication blackouts and loneliness are coming to an end.

So why on earth are you nervous about homecoming?

You think "What is wrong with me?"

Absolutely nothing.

I was so excited to have my husband come home. I waited for what felt like forever just to be able to have him by my side! But, there was this nagging feeling I could not shake. At the end of my husband's first deployment, I remember feeling anxiety and I felt guilty for it.

I was anxious about being anxious!

Turns out I am was not alone. Think of it this way, you've been on your own time for almost a year.

Your home was once a shared space, then it felt like it was just your place. You've slept in the center of your bed for months. You have your schedule, your routine and all of that is about to change. Your mind has gotten used to the fact that you've pretty much done it on your own.

A report by the National Council on Family Relations finds reintegration to be a sometimes difficult time.

"[Researchers] found the following challenges expressed by spouses related to reintegration:
               1. Fitting the deployed spouse back into the home routine;
               2. Rebalancing child responsibilities;
               3. Getting to know the deployed spouse again;
               4. Worrying about the next deployment;
               5. Dealing with the deployed spouse's mood changes;
               6. Deciding who to turn to for advice."

I love routines. I love knowing what is going to happen. Reintegration throws schedules and plans completely out of whack. It can be uncomfortable and weird at first.

But please know that you are not alone. Every single couple experiences reintegration differently. Some people can deal with the change seamlessly, while others struggle for months. 

One of the best resources I can recommend are the Military Family Life Counselors (MFLC). They are confidential and free! They offer non-medical counseling and are available at nearly every military base. Click Here for more info on MFLCs and to find one near you.

Homecoming is a super special time! I remember seeing my husband for the first time after nine months and feeling the world stop. The distance is absolutely worth it!

The Podcasts That Saved My Sanity During Deployment

When my husband deployed, I needed something to fill up the silence when I was alone. I like to call myself a podcast guru. I can match podcasts to every mood, subject, season etc.

Don't believe me?

I am so excited to share with you the podcasts I LOVE. I included my favorite episodes to give you a taste of why I adore these shows so much.

1. How I Built This
Host Guy Raz interviews inspirational entrepreneurs, CEOs, and all around fascinating people. They discuss the ins and outs of building a business that becomes a household name. It is so interesting to listen to and is nothing short of inspiring.

My Favorite Episode: Dermalogica Jane Wurwand

2. Watch What Crappens
Are you obsessed with Bravo? SAME HERE. Anyone who enjoys the Real Housewives or Southern Charm needs to listen to this podcast. Comedians Ben Mandelker and Ronnie Karam recreate entire episodes that will have you crying laughing.

My Favorite Episode: #734 Southern Charm Live in SF: Jagged Little Pillow

3. Stuff You Should Know
This show is just like the Snapple cap facts. Every episode focuses on a seemingly random topic and delves deep into understanding what it is, what it does, and why? The hosts Chuck and Josh are adorably nerdy and super interesting to listen to.

My Favorite Episode: Can Movies Be Cursed?

4. DISGRACELAND
Love Music? Love True Crime? This is your show! Host Jake Brennon takes you on an INSANE journey through some of the craziest stories in music history. The show is dramatic, informative and all around a treat to listen to.


My Favorite Episode: Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G.: The Media Did IT 

5. The Goal Digger Podcast
This podcast is what made me turn my focus to blogging. Jenna Kutcher is a photographer turned entrepreneur who makes you feel like she is your best friend. If you run a business, have a side hustle or just love to be inspired, I cannot recommend this show enough. The insight and information on how to brand yourself and your business is incredible!

My Favorite Episode: 187: My Worst Client Experiences and What They Taught Me

6. The Minimalists
I have a problem with having too much stuff. There is nothing more satisfying than decluttering my life! Hosts Josh and Ryan are just two normal guys who want to teach you "how to live a meaningful life with less." They cover everything from decluttering your clothes to toxic people in your life.

My Favorite Episode: 085 | Shopping

7. On The Media
This is the perfect podcast for these crazy times we are living in! From WNYC Studios, On The Media looks at how the media and everyday people react to big events. They offer clear and concise insight and conversation to the big news stories and the stories that matter to all of us.

My Favorite Episode: Fallout

8. Uncover: Escaping NXIVM
Follow the journey of a former top member of a dangerous cult. Sarah Edmondson thought she was joining a group that was going to change the world. She gave up everything to follow and teach the beliefs of accused cult leader Kieth Raniere. It took one fateful night to completely change her thinking.

My Favorite Episode: The Suppressives 

9. Someone Knows Something
The CBC (Canadian Broadcast Channel) has some absolute gems in their podcast library. Host David Ridgen is truly a master of his craft. Ridgen revisits old unsolved cases to try to find out what really happened. The stories and people are fascinating and heart breaking.

My Favorite Season: Season 2 Sheryl Sheppard 

10. Radiolab
I know I say that I love all the hosts of these podcasts and I do. However, Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich are my absolute favorite podcast hosts of all time. They are funny, witty, and have amazing chemistry. They cover topics as broad as DNA to as small as certain football team's curse. The editing is amazing and I am always eager to see what they create next!

My Favorite Episode: Seneca, Nebraska

11. My Favorite Murder
Do I like listening to true crime podcasts? YOU BET I DO! MFM is one of the podcasts that started it all for me. Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark are two hysterical comedians who love true crime. You will feel like you are sitting on the couch with your bffs talking about the craziest crimes you've ever heard of. Also, they have the coolest fans who make the most amazing fan art!

My Favorite Episode: #111 Figure It Out Kevin

12. She Explores
This show is the one that calms me down and gets me excited for my next hike. Host Gale Straub interviews woman from all backgrounds about their experience with the outdoors. She focuses on being inclusive and finding fascinating stories about what makes women love being in the outdoors. I especially love listening to this podcast when the weather is too awful for me to go outside. It makes me homesick for my time spent living in Colorado!

My Favorite Episode: #30 Saving Her Backyard

I hope you find this list of podcasts as a resource to help you discover funny, interesting and amazing stories. Please leave a comment if you have any podcasts that you love! I am always down to dear podcast reccomendations!

The #1 Thing Not To Do Before Homecoming

The distance is FINALLY coming to an end! You are getting your spouse back after what felt like a lifetime apart.

You know so many people have been asking about when your spouse is coming home.

You decided to let everyone know the date and time they are coming home on Facebook.

Someone saw that you posted the homecoming date, now EVERYONE now has to wait longer to see their spouse. Why? Because you violated OPSEC. Not only do you have to wait to see your spouse, but you just made a lot of people VERY unhappy.

What is OPSEC?
Operational Security is protecting information that could be taken by our adversaries and used to harm our service members. This can include troop movements, deployment dates, homecoming dates, etc.


Why would making a post on my own social media matter?
I once read that a great way to think about OPSEC is like a puzzle. Your post is just a piece of that puzzle but it is an important one. If someone is able to piece together the homecoming dates they are able to piece together massive troop movements which are not something you want enemies to know.

Just because it is on your personal social media does not make it private.

You are using a company's platform, that platform could be hacked at any time. You have no idea who could be getting a hold of that information.

Why would any enemy be interested in what I have to say?
The odds of someone actively looking at your own social media account are slim. However, why would you want to open yourself up to that possibility? You have no idea who is able to look at your information.

According to the OPSEC guide published by the United States Navy, "Terrorist groups have used information gained from the Internet to target family members of deployed military personnel. In countries throughout the Middle East and southern Asia, terrorists have successfully kidnapped and assassinated numerous westerners in an attempt to influence U.S. foreign policy."

While this isn't the norm, this is something you need to be aware of when it comes to the safety and security of your loved ones.

But people are bugging me about when the date is!
What I usually do is give them a time frame. I will say "Oh at some point this winter." or "We are hoping sometime in the next few months."

I will talk about dates and time frames in person to family or a friend, but I do not give out information online ever!

At the end of the day, your spouse's safety is what is most important. Keeping important information safe is what is going to guarantee a seamless homecoming.

Interested in learning more? Check out these posts!

5 Commandments of OPSEC

5 Commandments of PERSEC

10 Things I Wish I Knew When I Didn't Move Home For Deployment

When deployment comes around, you are presented with two options. Do you stay where you are stationed or do you go home?

I can't tell you what the best decision is. If I lived at a certain post or didn't have a job, my decision may have been different. I can only say what worked best for me.

I decided to stay where we were stationed for the entire deployment. We had only been there for three months when he left.

I am still fine with the decision I made. However, there are many things I wish I knew beforehand.

1. Murphy's Law is real. Get prepared.
  Two weeks into deployment I swerved to miss a car and ended up popping two of my tires. My husband was gone and I didn't know where to bring my car. If it wasn't for my boss recommending a place, I would probably still be on the side of the road.

What I should've done before my husband left, was figure out what places in town would be able to help if something happened. Ask coworkers, fellow spouses, etc. what plumber, auto mechanic, electrician etc. is the best. You might not need it, but if the time comes you will be ready.

2. You will feel guilty for not going home
My family supported my decision, but I still felt bad about it. I didn't want my family to think that I didn't want to be around them. We had lived in three different states the year before, and I could not imagine moving again. I wanted to just stay in a place for longer than a year. I felt like I was becoming transient over the last year because we moved so much.

3. People will question your decision all the time
There are so many different factors that ultimately led to my decision to stay. I think it is a lot more common for spouses to move home during the deployment. I am asked at least once a week why I stayed. I just always respond with, "It worked the best for us."

You really don't owe anyone an explanation for what works in your marriage. As long as you have a plan in place, it is entirely your decision.

4. You'll be on your own a lot more, make the best of it.
I'm not going to lie, it can get lonely. But, you don't have to just sit and be miserable. I have made multiple day trips on my own when my friends were not able to join me. I made it a point to branch out more and explore more of what I love to do.

5. You will change a lot
Someone once said, "You never grow when things are easy." Staying behind is not easy, but I have learned a lot about myself. I learned how truly self-sufficient I can be despite being brand new to state I never thought I would ever live in...ever.

6. Living alone is not so terrible.
Before this deployment, I had never lived alone for more than a month. At first, it felt odd to be okay with living alone. I honestly thought I would go crazy but I ended up being okay. I miss my husband A LOT but I like that I have been able to learn more about myself during this time.

7. Some days you will think that this was all a big mistake.
The first time we had a tornado warning while my husband was gone, I freaked out.

I thought to myself, "Well if I had moved back to Jersey, I wouldn't be in this situation right now."

More than once, I wondered if I had made it too hard on myself. I wondered if I was overly optimistic about staying behind. Was I being unrealistic about how much I could truly handle?

Gif Credit: Younger

8. You will build friendships.
The most shocking part of this deployment has been the relationships I have made. Turns out, being on your own a lot really does force you to make friends. I have become energized and encouraged by spending time with others who are going through the same thing I am.

9. Some months will last forever and ever and ever. 
I thought August was going to last for about seven years. I would look at the calendar and think that time must have stopped for a week.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to give yourself small things to look forward to. If you are only waiting for the day that your spouse comes home, you will be miserable. This doesn't need to be a fancy trip, this could just be going on a day trip, a spa day, whatever you want!

10. Homecoming will be easier.
As you get closer to your spouse's homecoming date, you will get much busier. Your biggest advantage is that you don't have to go on a house hunt while you are dealing with the craziness of homecoming.

I feel much less stressed about my husband coming home knowing I will not have to deal with another house hunt. You are not having to book flights or plan a road trip to get back in time for homecoming. You can "relax" knowing that you already have a place of your own.
--
Please know that what works for one couple, doesn't necessarily mean it will work for another. I have friends who loved their decision to move home. They have their own reasons for why they chose to do so and did not think it was weird or crazy that I stayed. Be honest with what you want your deployment experience to be.

As long as you and your spouse are happy with the decision, that is what matters the most.

15 Thoughts Spouses Have During Deployment That Are Totally Normal

 Deployments bring a tsunami wave of thoughts and emotions. If you are anything like me, your thoughts are most likely all over the place. Sometimes I felt like I was the only one who was having certain thoughts about deployment.

You probably feel like you are the only one who wonders, "Is it bad that I like having the bed to myself?" Trust me, you are in good company.

Here are fifteen thoughts that are completely normal to feel during a deployment:

1."Is it okay, that I feel completely okay?" 
 For some people, deployment does not feel that hard. The distance stinks, but the rest of it is not all bad. Some people can cope better with distance or have dealt with it before. It doesn't mean you love your spouse any less.

2. "I don't know how I'm going to handle sleeping in this house alone."
 I felt the same exact way. We invested in a security system and I felt a lot better. Plus, I have a small dog that thinks he is a doberman.

3. "It is kinda nice not having gear all over the place."
 Amen.


4. "What happens if :insert unfortunate scenario here: and I have no one to help me?"
The military community is good at one thing, taking care of their own. Two weeks into my husband's second deployment, I swerved to avoid hitting a car that made an illegal turn and popped two of my tires. If it wasn't for two of my friends helping me take the car to get fixed, I would've been stuck.
If you are dealing with something a bit more difficult, contact your FRG leader or Ombudsman. They can connect you to the resources you need.

5. "I want to go home during deployment is that bad?"
Not at all.


6. "I've decided to stay here for deployment, is that bad?"
Nope.


7. "I feel guilty for having fun without my spouse."
I feel like this sometimes. For some reason, I feel like I don't deserve to have a good time since he is not either. Staying busy and interacting with others is what can make or break a deployment. Have fun.

8. "I'm afraid people will judge me for going out or taking trips while my spouse is gone."
That is their issue. If it works for YOUR relationship and you can respect your marriage while having fun, it is not their business. 


9. "I'm angry at my spouse for leaving even though I know it isn't their fault."
This is a thought that I am always angry at myself for thinking. It is really hard to place blame on the military in general, since their job pretty much guarantees they will be sent away. But that doesn't mean you have to like it.


10. "I feel like I don't have much to say when we are able to talk."
After a while, everyday starts to feel like the movie Groundhog's Day. Sometimes, your conversations will feel like the same one over and over. This doesn't mean that you are having communication issues, this means you have gotten use to this "new normal."

11. "I feel like I am not sending care packages that are 'cool enough'"
I am not good at crafting...at all. I used to get really worried that just sending stuff in a box wasn't enough. I'm sure you have see the amazing boxes some spouses send on social media. As long as you send the things your spouses asks for and a nice note, they will be very happy.

12. "I have this weird sense of dread with homecoming getting closer."
Think about it this way, you now have a routine that is about to get completely thrown out of whack. You also have this homecoming built up in your head, which probably isn't helping. This does not meant that you do not want to see your spouse! This means that a big adjustment is coming.

13. "I'm afraid that our relationship will be different."
Deployments can range from six months to a year. Things will be different when you start living your lives together again. It will take time to readjust.

14. "Holidays and birthdays just feel like another day. I'm not in the mood to celebrate."
Spending any important anniversary or holiday away from your loved one is hard. It doesn't matter if your spouse is gone for a week or a year. I'm not going to tell you that you have to celebrate how you normally would, but don't let yourself be miserable for the entire day.


15. "I don't think I can handle this."
I promise you can. You might feel this way once in a while, but this will come to an end.

When Communication is Hard During Deployment

It has been three months since my husband left and I like to think I've been doing "okay".

My job is going well, my relationships are good, etc. etc. I have checked the boxes that need to be checked so I should be totally fine right? Am I fine? What does fine even mean?

For the all the different types of social media we have today, most of us are terrible at conveying how we really feel. We are more open with strangers on the internet than we are with our own significant others because we don't want to "bother" them while they are gone.

I do this more than I would like to admit.

You don't want to burden someone with your problems. They are an ocean away with a wild work schedule and you feel guilty for dumping your baggage on them. So instead you call your Mom and whine to her about how the time distance is a pain and you're sick of it etc etc. But at the end of the day you have come to the conclusion that you can't just shut off communication because it feels better or like you are protecting the other person.

Deployments are hard. I like to think of myself as independent enough to live on my own, but I definitely have hit that "deployment wall." That wall that makes you feel like this is going to last FOR-EV-ER and you cannot possibly make it to nine months. You are going to be stuck with five minute phone calls with a 15 hour time difference until the day you die.

You look at this massive wall in front of you and think to yourself, "I can't tell them about this. They will worry about me too much on top what they are already doing."

But relationships don't work at way.

You have to be willing to carry the burden of one another when needed. No matter how messy that can be. Your spouse will be more than willing to listen.

This is just not sitting and complaining about every little thing. This is being honest with yourself that just because you think you can do it alone, doesn't mean you should. Time spent apart can wear on anyone, no matter how strong you think you are. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you a human being who hasn't seen your significant other in months and sometimes years.

This is a bitter pill that I have had to swallow. I could only improve my communication once I applied what I knew to be true, he wanted to know how I was actually feeling. Sugarcoating does not work. It never has.

You don't marry someone because you are going to perfectly happy forever and ever. That is your partner on a journey that can be downright insane at times. It requires you to be honest with what you are feeling, while listening for whatever might be burdening your partner.

We have been lucky to improve our communication A TON on this deployment but we have had to work for it. We couldn't assume that the other person was on the same wavelength all the time or that they were feeling the same way we were. It takes time but it is nice to be able to confide with the one you love without feeling like you are just complaining all the time. You can lend an ear but you also need to be aware of when you need one too.

The Day They Leave

Let's talk about everyone's favorite topic...the day your spouse leaves....ugh

I usually try to stay positive about things like this for my own sanity, but I would not be correctly conveying how I truly feel right now. I am the absolute worst at communicating how I feel about anything. I either appear dismissive or way too excited, there is no in between.

There is no one size fits all story line for what you will feel like when they leave. Some of us have kids to worry about, some of us move home, and some of us are so used to deployments it is just another day. There is no right or wrong way to feel. From talking with my friends who have gone through the same thing, I have noticed a pattern on how most of us are felt when our spouse left.

Relief
Am I kidding? No.

This isn't relief in the traditional sense. There is a dark cloud that hangs over your relationship before they leave. You're surrounded by all the stuff they are bringing and odds are it smells. It is a constant reminder that you are basically in purgatory waiting for them to go. The days drag and you haven't even started the countdown for when they come home.

"Just leave so we can get this over with." You feel horrible for thinking that, but they are probably thinking the same thing.

Sadness

....obviously


Confusion
I felt different walking into my house after I dropped him off. It is like I was walking into a place that I didn't know. It went from a shared space to one that I only I occupy. I know it is still our place, but things felt off. Even driving his car felt weird. His office door has not been opened since I don't really need anything in there, it isn't my space.

Distraction
The next day I did more laundry and grocery shopping in one day, than I normally do in a week. I have now become a full-blown chef and make my own meals nearly every night. While I do enjoy cooking, this is purely a distraction. Instead of coming home to an empty house and just taking in the silence....I fill up the silence with an extremely loud food processor.

Going Into Hiding 
 I have the tendency to become a hermit. I am totally down with just sitting at my house watching tv or reading on a Friday night. If it wasn't for the awesome friends I have here and my job, I would probably barely leave the house. I will also be the first to say that THIS IS NOT HOW YOU SHOULD LIVE YOUR LIFE. Seriously, it is just plain sad and lonely.


The Curse
The Deployment Curse is a real thing. The theory is, that once your spouse leaves something will break. It could be the the dishwasher, the pipes, etc etc. I thought that this was absolutely not true. But less than a week after he left I popped not one, but two of my tires while swerving to miss a car that made an illegal turn. My advice is....just have some money set aside for the inevitable.

 Letting It Out
If you feel that you need someone to just talk to, check out MilitaryOneSource. You can find resources and information about non-medical counseling by Military Family Life Counselors. These people are trained to work specifically with military members and their spouses. I also encourage you to reach out and see if there is an MFLC assigned to your spouse's unit. MFLCs can be placed with units who are deploying to work specifically with those families.

 Whether it is your spouse's first deployment or their fifth. What matters is that you know that you are absolutely not alone in how you are feeling and coping. You don't have to be "fine" or "okay" all the time. You just have to know that this deployment will come to an end. You will be shocked at how truly well you handled this time apart.

The Best Podcasts To Get You Through Deployment

If you know me, you know that I have an obsession with podcasts that is a bit out of control. 

Sad? I have a podcast for that. 

Wanting to learn something new? I have a podcast for that. 

Love true crime? SAME I KNOW ABOUT 20 DIFFERENT PODCASTS YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO RIGHT NOW.

Now that my husband is deployed, I found that my love of podcasts has increased tenfold. 

You will probably agree with me that nighttime is the hardest part of deployments. You're kinda just sitting there waiting to fall to asleep...and you're alone. Although the distance sucks no matter what, you feel it more when you are just sitting in the dark. I usually need to listen to something to help me fall asleep, and podcasts are EXACTLY what I needed.

Here is a list of the BEST podcasts to get you through deployment. FYI, more than one of these podcasts contain strong language, and some themes won't be appropriate for the kids.

1. My Favorite Murder

This podcast is probably my favorite of all time. Karen and Georgia are a blast and honestly are my best friends....who have never met me...and probably never will. For a great comedy and true crime mashup, I cannot recommend this podcast enough. Also, I have never seen a podcast with such a large following in my life. Their official Facebook group alone has over 175,000 members.

Photo Credit: Mandee Johnson Photography

2. Two Dope Queens

Phoebe and Jessica are two best friends who live in Brooklyn and host a comedy show. They are absolutely hysterical and are not afraid to speak on everything from race to feminism to an insane love of U2. In addition to their podcast, they also have a special on HBO. I cannot listen to this show in public or it will look like I am laughing out loud to myself.

3. That Sounds Fun with Annie F. Downs

Hearing Annie talk about life in Nashville, makes me want to move there ASAP. Annie F. Downs is the bestselling author of books like "Let's All Be Brave," and "Looking for Lovely." The conversations she has with her friends about her faith, family, careers, etc. are amazing. It honestly feels like I am with my friends who are having a conversation. Except I'm listening to it and they don't know me.

Photo Credit: Anniefdowns.com

 4. Someone Knows Something

From the great country of Canada, comes this investigative reporting gem. David Ridgen follows unsolved crimes and missing persons cases all over the United States and Canada. There are currently three seasons and the reporting is unlike anything I have ever heard. You feel like you are with him on these investigations and interviews. It is an absolute masterpiece and will have you binging entire seasons in one day. 

5. On Being with Krista Tippett

Krista Tippett has one of the most calming voices on the planet, oh and she's also won a Peabody Award. The great thing about On Being, is that Krista speaks with some of the greatest minds to ever walk the planet. From astrophysicists to Franciscan monks, the conversations are thought-provoking and truly incredible to listen to. There has never been an episode that I haven't learned something new.

Photo Credit: Onbeing.org

6. Generation Why

Aaron and Justin provide a thoroughly researched look at crimes that span generations and continents. True Crime lovers will appreciate how well put together the episodes are. You will probably learn something new about some of the most famous and lesser known crimes. It is to the point, honest, no frills....and awesome.

7. The Dave Ramsey Show

Terrible at budgeting? Same. I didn't know how truly terrible I was at saving until I read Dave Ramsey's books. I found that his podcast is just as informative as his books, if not more so. Dave takes callers questions about everything from starting a business to recovering from bankruptcy. He is BRUTALLY honest, but it is your money...it isn't something to be taken lightly. 

8. Reveal

From The Center For Investigative Reporting, comes one of the first podcasts I fell in love with. Award-winning investigative journalists dig deeper into the issues we see on the news (i.e. the opioid crisis, human trafficking, the war on terror etc.) and some we might not know about. The topics are fascinating, heartbreaking, and important. Brilliantly produced and edited, this podcast will leave an impact on listeners like no other podcast can.

9. Dirty John

This wildly popular podcast from the LA Times had me yelling at my phone at certain points. It is heartbreaking, frustrating, and important. Debra Newell's relationship with John Meehan shows how an abusive relationship can have an impact on those around you...in ways you cannot imagine. The ending is truly unbelievable and seems like something out of a lifetime movie...only much worse.

10. For The Love with Jen Hatmaker

Jen Hatmaker has had an interesting last few years. A huge name in a Christian community, she received backlash when she said she supported LGBTQ marriage. Some of the biggest Christian bookstores pulled her books and any material she was involved with. Despite this, she is still a best selling author, speaker, and tv show host. This podcast is broken up into series about everything Jen loves from a love of food to a love of friends. Guests include The Pioneer Woman, Dr. Brené Brown, and Melissa Hartwig, The Founder of Whole30. Jen is not afraid to go deep with these conversations and these conversations will make you laugh, cry, and think.

 11. Patty Has A Gun: The Life and Crimes of Patricia Hearst

This is one of the first podcasts created to coincide with the release of a documentary series on CNN. Patricia Hearst to this day is one of the only political kidnappings to take place in the United States. This podcast introduces this story of the Heiress Patricia Hearst who was kidnapped by a tiny militia group and ended up committing crimes with her captors. This fascinating and heartbreaking tale still has the same impact today that it did back in the 1970s. The country had to face new ideas like Stockholm syndrome, unrest among youths, etc. in ways it had not before.

12. Heaven's Gate

In 1997, a doomsday cult called Heaven's Gate committed a mass suicide in California. They believed that they were going to "The Level Above Human." The weirdest thing of all about this cult, is that many of these people were completely normal. I mean, as normal as you can be to join a cult but still. Heaven's Gate goes through the history of the cult, who they were, and speaks will people who are still alive today that believe. Another weird fact....their website from 1997 is still active.

So Your Spouse is Going to Korea...

I have been MIA from this blog for a bit. We PCS'd to another post and a couple weeks later found out my husband was deploying to South Korea...

He has deployed before to Afghanistan and our relationship was completely fine. However, Korea is a first for us and comes with different challenges. With this deployment, there are different things we needed to prepare for that I didn't think we ever would.

I can't say much about what happens while they are there because well, this is all new to me too. I'm in the thick getting ready for of him to leave right now. I figured that this would be a good time to write this as someone who is dealing with the unpredictability and still trying to figure this all out.

Before we delve into these tips and tricks I've learned from the wise spouses who have dealt with this already....please note that every deployment is different. Korea is a vast and unique place and no one deployment experience will be the same...at all...never ever...amen.

The News Will Not Help You
 Is there a lot of tension in the Korea peninsula right now? Yes. Has it always been that way? Pretty much. I think we often forget sometimes that there are still people in South Korea just living their lives throughout these contentious times.

The Korean War "ended" in an armistice (aka we will stop fighting but we're not ending this war) in the 1950's. North and South Korea have been at each other's throats ever since. Life had to go on for the South Korean people, and they have rebuilt their country into a thriving nation.

 Despite this, you will see the news speak of nuclear war, "rocket man", etc. like this is all new. It is not. The rhetoric might be ramped up but there is a reason that the United States has been there as long as it has because this back and forth happens a lot between the two nations.

You can google North Korea for hours on end, but it will only make you even more scared. It is not worth your happiness and sanity to make yourself upset.

Get Your Passwords In Order
As I write this, my husband is making a list of all accounts with passwords and answers to security questions for me. This is a great thing for me since I have the memory of a goldfish and can't remember my own passwords 95% of the time. There is internet access in South Korea of course, but it is nice to know that I can have access to all our important info like online banking and bill pay.

Know What Your POAs Cover
Powers of Attorney essentially give you the legal power to make decisions on another person's behalf during a certain time. For example, I will need to update the registration on my husband's car. Since I was not named on the registration I will need a POA to update the registration on his behalf. Powers of Attorney can cover anything from taxes to selling real estate.

There are three types of POA that are commonly used for deployments according to MilitaryOneSource:

     1. General power of attorney - "A general power of attorney gives the person you designate the power to perform almost any legal act on your behalf for a specified time. This can include managing bank accounts; selling, exchanging, buying or investing any assets or property; purchasing and maintaining insurance; and entering into any binding contracts. Because the authority granted is broad, give this type of power of attorney only if a special power of attorney won't suffice and if the person you choose is trustworthy and financially responsible."
     2. Special or limited power of attorney - "A special or limited power of attorney gives specific powers to the designated person for a specified time. When drafting a special power of attorney, you're required to list the particular decisions over which the designee has power."
     3. Durable power of attorney — "A durable power of attorney remains valid even if you become incapacitated or unable to handle your own affairs. If you don't specify a durable power of attorney, it'll automatically end if you're incapacitated in the future. A general or special power of attorney can be durable with appropriate language. This eliminates the need for a court to choose a guardian and conservator to make decisions on your behalf during your incapacity."

DO NOT JUST GET A GENERAL POWER OF ATTORNEY. THEY DO NOT COVER THINGS SUCH AS BANKING, TAXES, DEERS, ETC. 
 
To know exactly what is needed for your family, reach out to your local JAG (Staff Judge Advocate). Click Here to find the closest JAG office to you.

Get Ready for Questions
"What is he going to be doing over there?"
"Probably sitting at a desk, I guess."

"Is he going to North or South Korea?"
"Ugh"

"Can't you just go and live with him there?"
"No I can't"
"But spouses are stationed there that doesn't make sense."
"Yes but-"
"That is ridiculous!"

"Are you afraid of Kim Jung Un?"
"Personally? No, but-"
"Have you seen the news?!"

 Just understand that people do have the best of intentions. It is normal for these questions to arise and no one is being mean or ignorant for asking them. There is so much great support out there both in the military and non military community, it would be a waste to get worked up about a question.
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The 5 Commandments of OPSEC

I recently came across a Facebook post where a woman posted the exact date her spouse would be deploying. My initial thought was, "Why on earth would you think that is okay to post?" But to be honest it can be easy to not know what is okay to post about deployments or trainings on social media. The military only makes up about 1% of the US population and has so many different rules and regulations it can be hard to keep track.

In an age where you can find wifi almost anywhere, OPSEC is probably the most important thing to understand in regards to keeping your spouse, friend or family member's safety in mind while they are overseas or training. It is also vitally important for YOU.

  1. Think of who is out there

    The odds that someone in the Taliban is simply sitting around looking through your Instagram feed isn't extremely high but people are out there specifically to gain intel from spouses and military members online. 

    Finding out the where and when of troop movements, deployments or training is their goal. I'm not trying to make this sound dramatic or scary but there are people who want to hurt your spouse and might use you as a way to get that information...and you wouldn't even know it.

  2. Take it seriously

     If there is one person who has trouble taking things seriously....it would be me. I couldn't sit through an episode of Army Wives without cracking up at the most inappropriate time, which is probably why I stopped watching it. 

     OPSEC is absolutely something to take seriously and understand thoroughly for the safety of not only your spouse but everyone they are deployed with. Social media wields so much power these days that we often forget that what we post or say can have a bigger impact than we originally thought.

  3. DO NOT TRUST STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET

    Just because they are in a military spouse support group doesn't mean anything. I could probably make an entirely fake fb profile and get into most groups no problem. Someone may want to make friends or meet people and that is totally fine BUT you better really make sure you know this person is actually who they say they are.

  4. Don't Make Yourself a Target

     A few years ago, there were some rumors going around of thieves targeting women who had "army wife" or "half my heart is deployed" stickers on their cars....it was complete BS. However, I'm not entirely sure why you would want to openly announce that your spouse is deployed or that you are home alone. I'm sure you can handle yourself just fine....but no reason to make it blatantly obvious that you are the only one home for months. 

    This isn't technically OPSEC but I feel like it is something that needs to be said.

   5. Your story matters...at the right time

      Having a spouse be gone for months or even years is extremely difficult and can be one of the hardest things you will deal with. All of us have a story of how we handled the distance or how we overcame the challenges of reintegration and they all matter. Sometimes, people take OPSEC as sometimes meaning that you should NEVER talk about deployments ever which is not the case. Your story matters and but it doesn't need to include details that the could threaten the safety of your spouse and others.

The Day They Come Home

             I picked an awfully dramatic title for this blog post. Most of the time I like to steer away from the "Army Wives" take on things like deployment and being in a long distance relationship. Many people are expecting this romantic and movie worthy moment when you see each other from across the auditorium and then run with tears streaming down your faces and embrace each other. Then a flock of screaming eagles is released and red white and blue fireworks go off and somehow you ran to your spouse in heels. 

             Yes, there are absolutely homecoming experiences like this (minus the eagles and fireworks usually) and they are beautiful to see. However, I see many spouses put a ton of pressure on themselves to have the perfect homecoming experience for their spouse.

            There are several things that stuck out to me that day:

                 1. Your spouse will be exhausted. Odds are they have been traveling for days and have hardly slept at all.

                 2. How you choose to welcome your spouse home is up to you. Some people have signs and photographers and others choose not to. It is entirely up to you! 

                3. Keep it low key the first day they come home. It is sensory overload to suddenly be back home after so long and can take a while to adjust

                4. There is no way you can predict what their mood will be like when they come home. Some people are excited, nervous, in shock, exhausted, or all the above. Yes, they are happy to see you, they just landed in the USA after a long time away so its a bit of a mind bender.

                5. Since they can't usually drive during deployments (if they do its usually no more than 15mph) so be prepared to have your spouse get a bit nervous when you drive over 40 on the highway. 

                6. They will smell and their stuff will smell...bad

             My husband and I were in a relationship at the time of his homecoming (on Thanksgiving) and I knew NOTHING about what to expect. I flew out from New Jersey and rented a car in Colorado to see him come home. Other than a close family friend who graciously gave up part of their  Thanksgiving to see him home there was just me and I DIDN'T HAVE A WELCOME HOME SIGN. I didn't know that people did that and even if I did there was no way I was bringing it on a plane.

             I'm not sure if Carson likes to do things a little differently but while I was standing there in the gym the soldiers entered through the doors and a smoke machine to the American songbird Toby Kieth's "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue.".....doesn't get much more 'Merica than that.

             It all became a fog (not because of the smoke machine) I don't think I heard anything once they all came in. I couldn't see him since everyone is wearing the exact same thing but just knowing we were in the same room after almost 10 months apart seemed surreal. I didn't cry but then again I don't ever cry. The only time I nearly cried was when I saw a child crying when she saw her Daddy because well....how could you not? When we finally saw each other through the sea of green it was a huge hug, a big kiss, and just a giant relief. 

            While it felt like no time was apart at first we soon realized that we needed to get used to being in the same country again. It can take time and can be easier for some couples than others. There is no easy way to simply pick up where you left off. It will take time, and at times be painful. You don't need to be afraid to reach out for help if you need to.

 If there is one thing most military spouses can say is that "We've been there. We get it. We're here if you need us."

The Number One Thing You Cannot Do as a Spouse During Deployment

     There are many things you should not do when your spouse is deployed. Most of us can think of at least ten off the top of our heads. It took me a while to learn that my biggest mistake was during deployment, and I did it EVERY HOUR. When deployment is in full swing we can find ourselves looking for any and all insight into what is happening where our spouse is. We think the news on tv or online will tell us what is happening.....it won't. 

      I turned to the 24 hour news cycles on tv and my ever updating twitter feed for any nuggets of precious information I could find...fact or rumor. I would even scour the DOD news releases to see if anything happened that hadn't been reported yet. I became addicted to the news and it was making me miserable. 

     I had to repeat in my head over and over, "No news is good news." It really does seem contradictory, but I'd rather not know certain things until I knew he was safe. 

     When he went on his first mission he said to me "Eh, I'll be back in maybe 8 hours," and didn't hear back from him for over 14 hours. Turns out everything was fine, but my anxiety went into overdrive and I was researching the internet. I guess I somehow thought ABC News would hear from him before I did. What I should've done (besides not asking the question in the first place) is waited no matter how stressful it was. More than likely, everything is okay and they are safe. 

   I was not the one the deployed...he was. I needed to be present in my own life instead of wondering what he was up to all the time. Is that a hard thing to do? Yes. Is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY. I still had a great time with friends and family while working. 

     There is no perfect scenario that plays out with the military. Just like you can't control what happens to your hair no matter how much you might try...the same goes for deployments.

Important Resources for Military Spouses in Crisis

This post is meant to serve as a guideline that breaks down important phone numbers and organizations that can assist spouses (or ANYONE) who are experiencing a difficult situation. Disclaimer: I cannot guarantee the outcome of any of the organizations or phone numbers. I am not affiliated with any of these organizations or groups. 

If you are in a LIFE THREATENING situation call 9-1-1

- Germany 110

- Italy 112

- South Korea 119

-Japan 110

-Guam 911

**Please feel free to print out the chart below!

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If you would like more information on what resources and programs are available to military members and their families, I highly recommend the following links:

     1. Military One Source: Military One Source provides a range of programs, referrals and information for military members, family members and veterans

     2. Army One Source- Specific support for those serving in the Army and their familes. Includes referrals to programs inside the Army. Programs vary from New Parent Support Groups to Transition Assistance. 

     3. Fleet and Family Support Program (Navy)- Provides programs and assistance to Navy Members and their families

     4. Marine Corps Community Services Forward- Provides assistance and information from topics that vary from Wellness to Fitness. Available for Marine Corps members, their families and veterans

     5. Wingman Toolkit (Airforce)- A brand new website dedicated to building resiliency throughout Air Force members and their families.

If you have any other information that can help military families who are going through a difficult time PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE comment below! The more resources we have the better.

5 Commandments of PERSEC

  

 I know what you're thinking....another post about another acronym? 

      

    PERSEC also known as Personal Security is VERY important.

     Recent articles such as a piece on Politico have shown a recent uptick in hackers targeting military members and their families. While this is nothing new, you still need to remember that what you are posting online and saying in public can be seen or heard by ANYONE. 

A recent hack back in 2016 primarily targeted military members and veterans. Nearly 22% of those hacked included journalists and 1/5th of them were military spouses who wrote about military life.....scary. (Source)

   While hackers might not be after you....you still need to be careful. What you should and should not post about yourself, your life, your spouse's life, etc. can be confusing. Here is a simple guide to help you stay as safe as possible on and offline.

1. PERSEC is not OPSEC

   While both are important, OPSEC primarily focuses on things such as deployment dates, troop movement, training information, etc. PERSEC is focused on more personal things like where you live, what job your spouse has, your children's information, etc. 

2. Support groups are not always safe

    Many spouses are parts of Facebook, Instagram, or Tumblr support groups. These groups are great sources of information and support but they are not 100% safe. 

    I have seen people join that pretend to be married to military members but are not at all. I have seen someone post where they work and people from those group have reached out to their jobs when the didn't like what someone wrote. 

                                           

The internet is still the wild west and we all need to remember that our information is never secret.

3. Oversharing can be annoying....and unsafe

   None of us are innocent in posting a bit too much about what we are up to. It is a normal thing to do. We need to remember that there are certain things that not everyone needs to know about. 

    Example #1: You posting an Instagram about your spouse leaving for NTC is almost a surefire way to guarantee that you will be home alone. This isn't to say that you are some damsel in distress who can't live on their own and handle their &#$! but why make it known?

4. Pictures say a thousand words....that don't need to be said

    I love Instagram more than I should.  I have probably posted a picture of my husband and I a few times a month. While it is completely okay to post photos of your SO, keep in mind who might be looking at them and what kind of information people can find out simply from a photograph.

    I have decided to wait on posting the photo until we are gone from the place the photo was taken. I also post a vague location like a state or city instead of a restaurant or store. If I receive a sketchy request or follow, I will simply block them.

    I will NEVER post pictures of my car, church, or the outside of my house (that is my biggest pet peeve). Those are my personal spaces that I share with those I love...not my followers. These are all simple things that can help you feel a little bit safer but still take advantage of the positive sides of social media.

5. Some things are better left unsaid

      I would've been a bit annoyed if my husband posted everything I did at work and what my job is. Your spouse's unit, MOS (Military Occupational Specialty), etc. should be personal information that doesn't need to be known to strangers. 

       

      We are responsible for the things we post. Many of us have spouses with clearances that require them to use more discretion with what they say and do. We are not bound to those rules in any way but it is not our job to share information they do not want the world to know.

   We do not need to live in fear or under a rock. It is fun to see what my friends are up to online and to share what I'm up to in at our new duty station. The world of social media can make us think that we are safer than we actually are. 

Think before you post.

The Best Apps For LDR Couples

You can find an app for anything these days. Want to sell your clothes? There is an app for that. Want to find true love? There is an app for that. Want to order take out but are too scared to call a stranger on the phone? There is an app for that.

Social media and high cell phone usage has a tendency to be perceived as harmful to relationships. While this can certainly be true, we can also use our iphones to our advantage. 

When my husband deployed to Afghanistan it was nearly impossible to get a good connection to talk. Turns out Afghanistan is a bit behind with their cell towers...go figure. We learned quickly to take advantage of apps that were perfect for people who are far apart from each other and wanted a reliable way to communicate.

Since we were an LDR couple, it feels like a million more apps have come out geared toward couples or simply geared toward communication. Here are my favorite apps for LDR couples.

1. Couple App

    This is one of the main apps we used while we were apart. Couple is an app that allows you to communicate with your partner and keep each other up to date with your lives. You can text, send audio and video and even share calendars to set up a phone date or skype call. I used to find the "Thumb kiss" option extremely corny....but man did I use it A LOT.

Free for both Iphone and Android

2. Facebook Messenger Audio

     This app was pretty much the only way we were able to call one another. Facebook Messenger Audio is essentially like calling someone from your phone but instead going through the app. The calls are free and are excellent for those who are international. You simply open up the messages app, select the person you want to call, and click on the telephone icon. 

Free for both Iphone and Android

3. Gaze

     Many couples love to watch shows and movies together. It is one of the things many of us miss doing with our SO when they are gone. Gaze allows you to send a link to your partner can join you in everything from synching screens to video chat. It is the prefect way for one of you to not get mad at the other for watching episodes of Game of Thrones without them. 

This program requires a computer. 

4. What's App

     Texting internationally can be difficult and EXPENSIVE. WhatsApp allows you text privately through their app without worrying about spending an arm and a leg. You can send audio, video and text even in a group chat. This was the texting app my husband and I used when we were long distance and it was AMAZING. We were able to send messages offline as well which was key when we were away from home or not near wifi. 

Free for both Iphone and Android

5. Gaming Apps

      There are hundreds of FREE apps you can download to play games against your significant other. From Monopoly to Draw Something (Yup, that is still around) you can play just about anything. My research led to find so many choices I could not choose just one. For couples that have a more competitive edge or simply want to have an activity to do together (even though you may be a continent apart) will love these options  AppCrawlr has a great article of the top 100 gaming apps on ios. Many of these games are available on Android as well.